California Dreamings
by javamomma0921
Summary: Bella is a child of the 60s. When things get too heavy in Forks, she rides her thumb to Morningside Farm, a commune just outside of San Fran. What she learns there will certainly change her life. But is she ready to take a chance? BxE...eventually.
1. Dazed and Confused

**California Dreamings**

_A FGB novella for Bookjunkie1975_

_This story takes place during the 60s. Though it is a long and somewhat tortourous journey, this is a Bella and Edward story._

_Hope you enjoy the ride!_

**BPOV**

I awoke, stiff and cold, to a hard object thrusting painfully into my thigh. Pain shot through my head as I opened my eyes to the dazzling morning light. I was disoriented. And hung over. Very, very hung over.

"Come on, girl," a loud voice bleated at me above my head. "Get a move on! You can't stay here!"

The voice brought me back to reality. I had been out last night, partying with some new friends. There was a club; the music had been decent and the bartender had been loose with his drinks. It was a good night. But where was I now?

I sat up, my back snapping and popping the entire time. The unforgiving bench, which I had chosen for a bed last night, had created bands of pain that crisscrossed my back. I had covered myself with newspapers…like a bum. How had this happened? Why wasn't I surprised?

The hard object being thrust in my leg was a nightstick, wielded by one of the neighborhood beat cops combing through the park. I thought for a moment and remembered that I was still in Forks. I said a silent prayer of thanks that Charlie wasn't on the other end of that nightstick.

I ran a shaky hand through my hair, encountering tangles almost immediately. As I gathered up the newspapers, the cop holstered his nightstick and walked away, mumbling under his breath as he went.

"Damn dirty hippies," the owner of the voice grumbled.

I smirked.

"Happy to help propagate your stereotype, asshole," I muttered.

After I stretched and yawned, I finished gathering up the papers and deposited them in waste can at the entrance of the park. I felt in my jeans: three dollars and some loose change. Breakfast at Harry's Java Joint was in my future.

Once I was up and moving, the cobwebs started to clear from my head, and I was able to remember small details from last night. I'd met Jessica and Lauren outside of the record store yesterday afternoon. Jess had a groovy tie-dyed tee shirt that she said she got in Port Angeles. They told me about a raving new club there; it seemed like a good scene so we hitched a ride there and partied for most of the night.

Jess and Lauren ditched me when they met Mike and Tyler half way through the night. I was happy to be rid of them. Like most women, both of them had managed to grate on my nerves before long. I danced and smoked and got myself higher than a kite. And somehow, I'd found my way back to Forks.

The jingle of the bell above the door cut through my foggy head and sent shivers of pain down my spine. I'd be drinking more than one cup of Harry's special dark coffee to clear this headache. I stumbled as I reached the counter, sitting heavily on one of the red plastic stools and plopping my chin into my hand. Leah, Harry's daughter, looked over as I sat down and shook her head at me.

Leah was about five years old than me and infinitely more _wise_. She'd been married and divorced and was raising her kid on her own. I had to give her credit. Little Claire was a heck of kid. Still, she gave me shit every chance she could, and from the look of her, she had a boatload to hand me this morning.

"Morning, Bella," Leah said, her voice loud as she banged the coffee cup into the saucer and began pouring. "What can I get you this morning?"

"Jesus, Leah!" I winced. "Are you trying to split my head open?"

"Sorry, sweetie," she said. "I didn't know I was being that loud."

She dragged the sugar and creamer across the linoleum, the metal catching and scraping loudly. My body reacted violently to the loud noise. I shuddered and closed my eyes, but the sound continued to reverberate in my head. The dull thumping shook my head and created a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I bolted from the stool and barely made it to the bathroom before I lost the entire contents of my stomach in the porcelain bowl. I laid my clammy pounding head against the smooth cool toilet. _Damn Leah Clearwater and her stupid, superior attitude_. The door slammed shut and I heard soft footsteps coming over to me.

"Save it, Leah," I croaked. "I'm not interested in your psychobabble bullshit."

A lukewarm damp towel hit my shoulders.

"Clean yourself up," she said harshly. "Charlie'll be in soon."

"Really, Leah?" I asked, lifting my throbbing head off the toilet. "You had to call him? Classy…"

"No, Bella, I didn't call him. I would have, but I didn't have to. He comes in every morning and has breakfast at that counter out there…which you'd know if you were ever around anymore."

I guessed it was better than Charlie cooking for himself. I sighed, dragging the towel over my face and scowled at the streaks of mascara and eye shadow now marring the white towel. I got up slowly, my head pounding harder than before, and walked over the sink. The water was ice cold on my face as I scrubbed off last night's makeup. I turned around, looking for paper towels, only to find Leah waiting with a towel.

"You look better that way," she said softly. "More like Bella."

I rolled my eyes at her.

"What does that even mean, Leah?"

"Do you even know who you are anymore? What you're doing? What you're after?"

"Just stop it," I said, throwing the towel back at her. "I'm not hurting anyone!"

"Well, you're wrong there," she said angrily. "I see your father…a lot more than you do anymore, and you're sure as hell hurting him. You're not doing yourself any favors either."

"You don't know anything about me, Leah. I'm _fine_. And Charlie's better off without me, anyway."

"You're wrong," she said, her face tight and angry.

"And you're…jealous," I said. "You hate that I can come and go as I please while you're stuck with a kid…and a job…and responsibility."

I heard the crack before I felt it. Her hand moved like lightening as it whipped through the air and made contact with my face. White hot pain seared through my already throbbing head when her hand hit my cheek. My head rocked back, and I tasted metallic blood in my mouth. I turned around, spit the blood into the sink and looked up to see Leah's hand print on my face.

"Don't you…ever…talk about my baby," she whispered. "Clean up. I'll have your coffee ready to go."

She walked out, letting the door slam behind her and leaving me alone with my heated face and stinging tears. I quickly scrubbed at my face and threw the now bloody towel in the trash.

Harry was in front of the counter when I stepped out of the ladies room, a cup of coffee and a bag in his lap and a stern look on his face. I'd known Harry almost my entire life; I remembered summers fishing with my father and Harry down at the lake before the accident. Like most of the folks in this town, Harry didn't think too kindly on my new lifestyle. He thought I was reckless and _a disgrace_, I was sure. Not that I'd give him time to tell me. No, I didn't give anyone the satisfaction of tongue-lashing me. I pulled my hair over my shoulder to try to hide the handprint on the side of my face.

"Thanks, Harry," I said, handing him the bills as I reached for the coffee.

"Don't need your money, Bella," he said with a smile. "You're like family to me; least, you were."

I looked down. It was harder to be cool with Harry; he was so much like Charlie.

"Well, thanks," I mumbled, stuffing the money back into my pocket and taking the package from his hands.

"And you don't need to hide the mark my daughter made on your face, either," he said. "She has no secrets from me."

I mouth drew into a tight line. I could hear the implications in his tone.

"How nice," I responded, reaching for the coffee he was holding.

"Bella," he said, holding onto the coffee cup. "Stay. He wants to see you."

"Harry, it's better this way. Just…tell him I said 'hey,' okay?"

He let go of the coffee, and I scrambled out of the little diner.

Across the street from the diner was a playground. As a kid, Renee used to take me here while Charlie would meet up with friends in the diner. She'd twirl me on the metal "go-round" as I used to call it. Its kaleidoscope colors had faded over time, leaving a washed out pastel impression of my vivid childhood memories. I swung myself up and onto the center of the circle and opened the bag.

He'd packed me toast, some fruit, and a muffin, more food than I'd been eating most days total. I smiled; Harry always enjoyed taking care of people. He'd damn near saved Charlie's life after Renee left him; I guessed he was still saving Charlie now that I had left as well.

After I ate the toast, I lit a cigarette and inhaled deeply. There was nothing quite as satisfying in the morning as a good cup of Harry's java and a smoke. As I sat, smoking, drinking, and remembering, I saw the cruiser pull into the parking lot and only then did I realize that I'd been waiting for him.

Charlie looked thinner than I'd remembered him. He must not be coming to Harry's for every meal. His pants hung loose on his waist, and his shoulders looked slumped. He looked…old.

_Damn._

I gathered up my stuff and went over to Angela's before someone form the diner could point out which way I went after leaving. Charlie didn't need my drama.

Angela's folks had given me a small room over top their garage, for which I cleaned their house on a semi-regular basis. And it didn't even need the cleaning that I _did_ give it. I swore that Mrs. Webber cleaned the whole house when she knew I would be over to clean.

I didn't leave Angela a note. I didn't leave the Webber's any money; I didn't have any. I just gathered my stuff and quietly left town. I didn't think I'd ever be back to Forks.

I hitched a ride down the coast with some people I met in town. In exchange for driving part of the way, they let me ride for free. It was a choice deal. As we crossed the Washington state line, I wondered if Charlie would look for me when he found out I wasn't around anymore. I wondered what I'd do if he ever found me.

Somewhere just outside of Sonoma County in California, we came across a ranch that seemed to be just what I was looking for. The hand painted, wooden sign that was tacked to dilapidated fence announced that this was Morningside Farm, "the place where no one is turned away." _Perfect_. They must get migrant workers wandering up and down the highway here and need help on their farm. I could take work here for a little bit until I got on my feet. Putting a roof over my head would be hard, but maybe they'd let me sleep in their barn for a while. My clothes…well, what I had would have to do for now, until I could secure a few five-finger discounts in town.

The dusty, beat up van kicked up dirt as it spun out and away from the dirt path, which must lead up to the farm house. I waved to the van as it drove away and stood at the side of the road, taking in my surroundings. This was my first time in California, and here I stood…completely alone.

I looked back and forth between the open road and the dirt path, realizing that no one I knew had any idea where I was. And I didn't know anyone around here for hundreds of miles. I had three dollars in my pocket and no way back home again. This was it. I'd just picked up and started over again for better or worse. There was no going back now.

It was a very freeing discovery for me, and I breathed a sigh of relief. Slinging my duffel bag over my shoulder, I walked down the dirt path expecting to see the large farmhouse at any moment now. Instead, I seemed to be surrounded by a natural orchard. There were fruit trees scattered around the grounds, and as I looked through the branches, my eyes caught the strangest sight. There was a naked man standing on a ladder picking apples.

I'd seen a lot of strange things over the past few years…psychedelic parties and tripped out hippies, but naked apple picking was a new one. I looked around and saw that the naked man wasn't alone. There was a shockingly petite woman, equally naked, holding a bushel and laughing at the man on the ladder. Despite their lack of clothes, there was nothing overtly sexual about the two of them. I could tell by the way the woman looked at him, they belonged together, but at the moment, they weren't being intimate. They were just picking apples…naked. I was having a hard time getting past that.

The woman looked around as if she could feel my eyes on her, and her face lit up when she saw me. She waved frantically at me, dropped the bushel and came running over toward me. I tried hard not to blush and look at her tiny, apple shaped breasts bouncing as she ran, but it was difficult. I definitely wasn't in Forks anymore.

"Hi!" she said when she reached me. "I'm Alice. Are you new here?"

"I'm not sure," I said slowly. I looked above her braided hair only to catch the man as he turned around. "Where is here?"

"This is Morningside Farm," she said.

Alice seemed as comfortable with my clothes as she was with her nakedness. She regarded me serenely, and when her apple-picking partner came up behind her and wound his arms around her waist, she calmly leaned back into him and sighed.

"Are you going to tell me your name?" she asked pertly.

"I'm Bella," I said, holding out my hand inanely.

"Hi, Bella. As I said, I'm Alice. This is my husband, Jasper, and we're all going to be very good friends."

This was all too heavy for me, and I let out a low laugh at her confidence. Alice immediately looked at me quizzically.

"What's so funny?" she asked seriously.

"All of this." I gestured around, encompassing the farm, their naked bodies and my presence here chatting with them. "I thought this was a farm that needed workers."

"Everyone who lives here works the farm and tends the trees," Jasper, the tall naked man holding on to Alice said. "It's part of the communal life, baby."

_Ahh_, I thought. Everything was coming together now. So this wasn't just a typical farm; this was a commune. I wondered how many other people lived on the farm. I wondered how many wore clothes.

"So you two…live here?" I asked.

"Yep!" Alice answered. "We've been here almost a year now. Carlisle, the founder of this place, married us in the middle of the apple orchard just after we arrived. Come on! I'll show you!"

She grabbed my fingers in her strong hand and pulled me forward. I glanced back to see Jasper bending over to pick up my duffel bag. I shut my eyes tight, trying not to see Jasper's balls hanging between his legs, but…well, the damage was done. I shook my head and followed Alice's bouncing form through the trees.

"This is our meadow," she said wistfully. "We come here as often as we can to mark the spot with flowers and renew our promises to each other. It's very special to us. That over there is our tree."

She was pointing to a small sapling that stood a little bit apart from the rest of the trees.

"We planted that just after we were married," Jasper said.

"As a way to join our vows to earth. The tree will give back to us in time with its fruit. And it will always be a reminder of that day."

They were lost in each other's eyes. Again, I was struck by the easiness of their relationship, the way their love for each other was palpable, but it wasn't that saccharine sweet stuff that always turned my stomach around other couples. They were really in love, and it was kind of beautiful. And a little uncomfortable right now.

Alice turned to face me at the moment.

"Come on!" she called. "You need to meet Carlisle and Esme!"

I shook my head and followed after her as she dashed wildly through the trees. I couldn't help but laugh as she weaved back and forth through the trees, managing to run without hurting herself. I had scrapes all over my arms from trying to keep up with her and scraping against the tree branches. We arrived at a large wooden structure that looked like it grew out of the trees which surrounded it. It was remarkable the way the building just seemed to belong there, as if it wasn't disturbing anything around it with its presence.

The yard around the structure was littered with handmade little-kid toys. I spotted a child running buck naked and squealing around the yard closely followed by a beautiful, fully clothed woman. _Thank God,_ I thought. _People here __**do**__ wear clothes_.

"Hey Alice," the woman said as she ran after the little girl. "Someone new?"

The woman didn't stay around long enough for Alice to answer her question. Alice turned to me.

"That's Rose. She takes care of the children while their 'rents are working on the farm."

Alice's voice was sad for the first time since I met her. I shrugged as I followed Alice into the house, wondering if I'd ever hear why Alice was sad about Rose. The inside of the house was a surprise. Almost everything inside was handmade, but nothing looked cheap or poorly made. The artistry was beautiful and made to meticulous specifications. Everything looked…well placed and ordered.

Another woman walked toward us, her hair loose and billowing out of a brightly colored tie-dyed kerchief. She was dressed in muted colors, more tie-dyes, but these were echoes of the muted forest colors surrounding the house. There were deep greens, browns and yellows in her skirt which flowed around her ankles. She was strikingly lovely and just her appearance made me smile. When she saw us, she smiled kindly at us.

"Alice," she purred. "Jasper! What brings you two in so early?"

"We picked up something more than apples in the orchard," Alice chirped, bouncing over to the woman's side. "Esme, this is Bella. She wandered on to the farm, and Jasper and I found her at the entrance to the orchard."

"Welcome to Morningside, Bella," the woman said walking over to me. "How did you hear about us?"

She took my hand in hers and held it between her palms, closing her eyes as she pressed my hand lightly between hers. I wondered what she was doing, but I began to stammer out a response.

"Um…I hitched a ride down from Washington, and I saw your sign on the side of the road? I thought you might be looking for help."

She opened her honey brown eyes and looked deeply into mine. I could feel her measuring me and knew she was judging my motives silently. But it wasn't uncomfortable. She flicked her eyes over to Jasper, and they exchanged a wordless conversation at the end of which, Jasper kissed Alice on the forehead and walked out of the house.

"We can always use more help, Bella," Esme said as she motioned Alice over to us. "Alice, I assume you'll want Bella to stay with you?"

Alice clapped her hands excitedly and nodded.

"I told you we were going to be good friends!" Alice said excitedly.

She gathered me into a tight hug that was only mildly uncomfortable due to her lack of clothes. I found I was getting used to her just the way she was…which was slightly unnerving in and of itself.

"Jasper will likely be gathering the things you all will need to make your hut ready for another body," Esme said. "Why don't you go help him? I'd like to speak with Bella and introduce her to Carlisle."

Alice walked over to Esme. They held each other's hands and closed their eyes for a moment. Both of them opened their eyes, kissed each other on both cheeks and then Alice exited the house with an excited wave at me as she left.

"You're lost," Esme said as soon as we were alone. "You didn't plan on ending up here, you don't know what you're doing here, and you don't know what you want from being here. Do I have it right so far?"

I was immediately defensive. My shoulders drew together in defense, and I backed away from her, holding my hands out in front of myself.

"Bella, it's fine," she said, stepping toward me again. "I just find it helpful for our new members to have a clear idea of what they need before they leave the world behind and start this lifestyle."

"I didn't even know I was starting any lifestyle," I said honestly. "I just needed to get away."

"Why?"

"I don't want to talk about it," I said, lowering my head.

"That's fine for now. But you should know we don't have secrets here. You won't be able to keep your past completely to yourself."

She wasn't threatening me. She wasn't pushing me either. She was just stating a fact. I glanced behind her, through the large window that looked out over part of the farm. I could see couples moving around the farm, doing menial chores. I could see babies running through the yard with the beautiful blonde girl named Rose running after them and laughing. I could see all of them working…together. As Alice and Jasper said, and Esme mentioned afterward, they would always need more people. But was I right for this? Would I be able to fit into this world of constant give and take when all I'd ever done my entire life was take? I didn't have an answer for that.

I looked back over at Esme who was smiling at me peacefully.

"Are you ready to meet Carlisle?" she asked.

I nodded and took a deep breath.

Esme informed me that Carlisle was out on the farm, as well, chopping wood with some of the other men. Thankfully, when we arrived, I found that all of the men had pants on, though most were without shirts. I could see by the large pile of wood they had stacked that they had likely been out chopping wood all day. A tall blonde man stood tall and leaned on his axe when he saw us coming. I could tell by the way Esme's face lit up that this was Carlisle.

"Esme," he said, his voice soft despite the exertion. "Who have you brought us?"

"Carlisle," she said in greeting. "This is Bella. She's come to stay with us for a while."

"Bella," Carlisle said, extending his hand. "Welcome to Morningstar Farm."

I had expected Carlisle to be the most far out of all of the people that I met today, seeing as he had founded this place. Surprisingly, he was the most normal. Though he was younger than Charlie and clearly more laid back, he reminded me of Dad. I felt a sudden ache for him and the people back home; people that I drove away as quickly as I could.

"She'll be staying with Alice and Jasper," Esme said.

"Thank you for joining us," Carlisle said, turning back to the large block of wood in front of him. "We'll get you set up with a job tomorrow morning. Enjoy your first night here on the farm."

With that, he swung the axe over his head and began chopping wood again. The big man who was chopping wood beside him lowered one eyelid in a wink at me.

"Hi, Bella," he said. "I'm Emmett. Don't get too spooked by the little freak and her husband."

Esme reached over and smacked his arm lightly, which surprised me.

"Sorry, Mom," he said, sheepishly.

"Alice and Jasper have really adapted beautifully to this lifestyle, embracing it with their entire being," Esme explained, looking sternly at her son. "But that is no reason to call them freaks, Emmett."

"Is Emmett your only son?" I asked, trying to fill the uncomfortable silence.

"We consider all of the people who live on this farm our children," Esme said calmly.

Looking over at her, though, she didn't look calm with her back straight as an arrow and her face pinched tight. She looked over at me and sighed.

"I guess it isn't fair of me to preach to you about how we have no secrets and then not tell you mine. Emmett isn't my only son. My other son chose to leave here when he turned eighteen. Edward lives…out there."

She gestured, and her hand encompassed the rest of the world outside of Morningside. Her face was sad, and it was clear that she missed him terribly and worried for him as well. I didn't feel the need to pry, so I turned away from her and allowed her a private moment to collect herself. Esme led me back through the orchard until we reached a row of tents and huts.

"Alice and Jasper live in the last shack at the end of this row."

Esme turned toward me and took my hands in hers.

"What I said to you earlier wasn't meant to scare you or to make you think you weren't meant to be here," she said. "I wanted to prepare you. I think you can be very happy here…if you let yourself."

With that cryptic remark, she turned and walked away. I turned and could see Alice and Jasper, now at least partially clothed, scurrying back and forth outside of their home, both of them laughing and just enjoying being together. It felt intrusive to be walking into a world, which seemed perfectly fit to only Alice and Jasper. But I could see already that Alice had noticed me and was beckoning me over. I sighed and picked up my duffel, not sure of what I had gotten myself into but anxious to begin whatever adventure Morningside Farms held for me.

* * *

_**A/N: I need to thank Bookjunkie for staying up late on the last night of FGB so she could swoop down and nab me. Yes. There was a last minute bidding war for me. Shocking, I know. ;) And also, thanks for letting this story sort of tell itself. I know we started out in one place and have changed course since we started but I love where we're going with this story. Also, huge thanks to Savage Woman and Swimom7 for beta-ing and pre-reading this. I hope you all enjoy. As you can see there will clearly be more chapters. Chap. 2 is already written and I'll likely post it next Friday. Leave some love for Hippie-Bella! ~Jen**_


	2. I Think We're Alone Now

_**WARNING: This chapter contains descriptions that could be considered triggers for some people. The beginnings of a sexual assault are detailed, though no actual abuse takes place. Please, if you think these images or descriptions will be too much for you, do not read this chapter. Thanks.**_

Wake up came far too early on my first morning at the commune. Alice was kneeling on the floor beside my cot and stroking my arm to wake me up. The light was strange, almost golden, coming through the window.

"What time is it?" I rubbed my hands over my eyes, trying to rouse myself.

"Probably around six," Alice replied. "I let you sleep in a bit since it's your first day."

"Are you insane?" I groaned. "I never get up this early."

"We'll you're going to start, aren't you?"

Her voice was chipper and full of energy; it made me even more tired. I pulled the covers over my head and hid from her.

"Come on, Bella. It's time to go to work."

"Work?" I asked. "I just got here yesterday."

Alice tugged at the covers until she pried them out of my hands. I squinted at her dancing eyes.

"Of course," she said. "You'll be working in the orchards with Jas and me. As I told you yesterday, it's how we do things here; we all work together."

I sat up on the cot and pulled my hair back.

"I've never worked in an apple orchard. I don't know what to do."

"It isn't rocket science, Bella. Get dressed and we'll go. I'm sure everyone's anxious to meet you."

I didn't know how I felt about meeting "everyone." I still didn't know how I felt about being here, let alone about getting wrapped up in this world. What if it didn't work out? It's not like I had a history of fitting in where I landed myself. I already felt close to Alice, despite my reservations; did I really want to make more friends when I didn't even know if I'd be staying?

I pulled on my old, dirty jeans and a new t-shirt that smelled…less worn than the one I'd worn to bed. I'd need to figure something out for clothes because I was beginning to gross myself out. Alice sat on my cot while I dressed and snorted when I smelled my shirt.

"We'll get you some new clothes," she said. "The pregnant girls and the new moms do a lot of sewing…there's always extra stuff around. Though a wash is probably all those need."

She turned her nose up in disgust as I put it on and I shrugged.

"It's what I have right now. Besides, I'm just going to get dirty, right?"

She giggled.

"You could always go naked," she said, a teasing note in her voice.

I turned around and glared at her, noticing that she was fully clothed today.

"I was just kidding!" she exclaimed, hands in the air. "But, you know, it isn't frowned on. Keeps your clothes in better shape, for one thing."

"And exposes all my flaws!" I cried, turning around to the mirror. "I don't have a body like yours, Alice; I could never walk around like that."

"Honey, no one thinks like that here," she said kindly. "Really."

"OK, well, I still do, so…"

"Fine," she said happily, pulling on my arm. "Let's go. We're already late."

The orchard was brimming with activity when we arrived, people milling about and working happily together. I expected to meet sleepy, bored faces, but instead I was greeted by name as I passed through the crowded rows of trees. Everyone was wearing the same kind of clothing and had the same happy looks on their faces. Only one figure stood out from the rest.

A solitary man, roughly my age, was working alone hauling bushels of apples from the ground onto the bed of a dilapidated truck. He was bare from the waist up and his skin was pure bronze, sweat rolling down his back. He almost glowed in the morning light. I watched his muscles as he hefted the heavy baskets up and in, repeating the motions like a machine. His face was a tapestry of dark and light: dark eyes above sun-kissed cheekbones…deep ruby colored lips curled back in concentration to reveal bright white, perfect teeth. His long, dark hair was tied back in a careless ponytail but pieces kept escaping into his face. My eyes kept roaming back to his mouth.

He was the only person on the farm not smiling as he worked.

"Who's that?" I asked.

"Oh," Alice said quietly. "That's Riley. Bella…just don't, okay? He's—different."

Alice's voice worried me. When I finally pulled my eyes away from Riley's body, her face worried me even more. She was looking over at the young man and biting her lip in thought. She looked back over at me with wide eyes.

"I don't trust him," she said hurriedly. "And I know that's totally not jive with this place, but I care about you, and I have a bad feeling about him."

Her words came out rushed, and she was grabbing onto my hands with her strong cool fingers. I shook my head and smiled.

"I was just asking who he was, Alice," I said quietly. "No need to wig out on me."

She paused for a moment, looking back over at Riley. Then she laughed off her worry, pulling me over to where she said Jasper would be. I looked back over my shoulder at Riley as we retreated and found my own lip between my teeth, though I was certain it was for very different reasons than Alice's. That boy was fine.

The work was harder than I thought it would be, but not nearly as boring. There were more people than I had originally thought on the commune, and it seemed like most of them worked in the orchard, at least, at this time of year. Conversations just seemed to flow as we worked, and I didn't even notice the time flying by. Before I knew it, people were walking past us, and Alice was pulling me toward the main house for dinner.

"Wait," I said. "I need to get my bushel. I'll meet you there."

"Can you find it?" Alice asked worriedly.

"Uh…yeah, Alice. I think I can find the big white farmhouse."

She laughed, waved, and then tucked herself under Jasper's arm. I waved and watched them go until they were out of sight and then breathed a sigh of relief at the silence around me. I hadn't been around this many people in years. The talking, the laughing, and the bustle of movement…it was great, but it was also completely fucking overwhelming. I couldn't even remember most of their names, and yet they all called out my name regularly. It made me feel like a heel.

I dug in my pocket for the crushed pack of smokes I still had from back in Forks. I knew I'd be able to get hand-rolled cigarettes from any number of the residents, but I held onto these. I told myself it wasn't sentimental…it was just practical because they were the last things I'd bought before coming here.

I lit up and leaned against the base of a tree, blowing smoke up into the air as the cool night air began to wrap around me. The sun was fading fast, and it had turned the sky behind the trees a deep burnt orange color. This was a fantastic feeling. I couldn't remember the last full day's work I'd put in, but today had been full to the brim with new experiences, new friends, and of course, the work.

I listened to the sounds of the orchard around me, the way the wind played with the leaves in the trees and the branches scraped against each other. I closed my eyes and heard the faint sound of crickets waking up and beginning to sing. It was so different than a Forks night where the dominant sound had been the rain dripping through the trees and down the windows.

Suddenly, a branch snapped too close to me, and my heart was beating in my throat. My eyes flew open, and I saw Riley's dark eyes glowing only a few feet away from me.

"You shouldn't be out here all on your lonesome, new girl," he said slowly, walking closer to me.

He was strangely seductive as he approached me, his eyes locked with mine.

"I have a name, you know," I said hoarsely.

"I know," he replied. "You're Bella. Everyone knows your name on your first day."

"They forget later?" I asked tentatively.

He sneered and shrugged his shoulders.

"If you let them," he said, his voice cryptic and full of unsaid thoughts.

"I know your name," I said. "You're Riley."

I was both intrigued and slightly unnerved by the catlike look he had pinned me with. I don't know why I felt the need to prove that I knew his name, but it seemed important. He didn't acknowledge me though; he just snorted harshly.

"What makes you think I was talking about me?" he asked, closing the distance between us until I could feel the heat from his skin rolling off him.

I breathed in deeply, inhaling the strong masculine scent of him as I did. It was a mix of sweat, dust, and apples and it really turned me on.

"I don't—I guess," I mumbled, suddenly losing my brazen nerve and stuttering as I tried to answer him.

"Care to share?" he asked, reaching out for my cigarette.

I handed it to him with only slightly shaking fingers. When he took it, our fingers brushed and I instantly felt the heat coursing between our bodies. I don't know if he felt it, but it rocked through me and hit me square in the gut. I immediately wanted to touch him again.

He put the cigarette to his lips and sucked deeply on it, the tip glowing orange in the fading light. I licked my lips as he handed it back to me, and I couldn't wait to get it to my mouth to taste him on it. We shared the butt back and forth silently until there was nothing left. He took it from me, put one hand on the tree beside my face, and crushed the butt against the tree with his other hand, all but pinning me between his arms.

"That was hot—Bella," he whispered as he leaned in close to my ear.

I breathed in deeply and licked my lips, hoping he might brush his mouth against mine. But other than the whisper of his nose brushing my cheek, he never touched me. He turned and started to walk away.

"Damnit!" I cursed under my breath. "Riley, wait!"

I ran up behind him and he turned toward me. His dark eyes were lidded, and his mouth was twisted into a smirk.

"What do you want, Bella?" his voice was a low, purr and it made me think of a whole host of things I wanted from him.

"I—wanted to know if you could walk me back to the farmhouse. I'm new, remember?"

His smirk got wider.

"I thought you could find the big white farmhouse?" he asked mockingly. "I'm not going there."

He turned and headed off in a different direction than the others, moving more quickly now so that I didn't dare to try to follow him. I shook my head, clearing off the cobwebs, which had settled in my mind. My body suddenly recognized the chill in the air, and I shivered as I turned toward the farmhouse. I ran into Alice along the way. She had gotten worried and had come looking for me. She didn't seem ready to buy my excuse of catching a quick smoke. Her wide knowing eyes searched my face for answers. When she got none, she shrugged her shoulders and pursed her lips.

"You've missed most of the dinner, but I saved you some. Hurry, before it gets cold."

I thanked her, but kept looking back over my shoulder and wondering where in the hell Riley was getting his meal.

~CD~

My first week at the commune flew by in a haze of backbreaking work on the farm and nights full of dreamless sleep. I was too tired for dreams. Work on the orchard was difficult, but it was also very social. Everyone on the commune continued to be so accepting and open; it was difficult to keep the jaded attitude I'd practiced so carefully in Forks in place. After a day or two, it had slipped completely, and I was simply enjoying being surrounded by others who seemed to like me.

I hadn't seen much more than glimpses of Riley during the rest of the week, even though I was constantly looking for him. I even managed to stay out in the orchards twice without Alice tagging along, but he never showed up. I never caught him looking at me. I eventually decided that he was just messing with the new girl and I should stop wondering when he'd decide to talk to me again.

On my first Friday at the commune, Morningside hosted a bonfire. After an entire day of hauling bushels of apples around the farm, I was ready to go to bed. I was not thrilled with Alice when she bounced on my bed only a half hour after I lay down.

"Alice, I'm exhausted," I whined. "What do you want?"

"It's time for the bonfire! Get up!"

"Bonfire? What are you talking about?"

"Come on, Bella. You can't miss this!"

She pulled me up out of the bed and dragged me toward the door.

"I don't want to go to a bonfire; I want to sleep! Where do you get all of this energy from anyway? You worked twice as hard as me."

"It comes from living the good life," she said with a wink. "Besides, you have to go to the bonfire. We're holding it for you!"

"For me?"

"Of course…we always welcome new people to the commune with a bonfire. It's a good excuse for party."

I realized fairly quickly that I wasn't going to be allowed to sneak back to my bed, so I allowed Alice to lead me over to the full length mirror and appraise my clothes.

"No, this won't do, Bella," she mumbled as she picked over my dirty clothes. "Your jeans are torn, your shirt is a mess, and frankly, sweetie, you don't smell very good."

"Ah! Alice, you bitch. No one smells very good after working in the orchard all day."

I was trying to be angry with her, but it wasn't working. She was buzzing around the hut collecting things for a shower and new clothes for me to wear.

"Come on, we have just enough time for you to take a quick shower and get dressed," she said.

"Do you ever get tired of pulling me around?" I asked as we left the hut and headed for the showers.

"Honestly, yes, but you don't give me much choice."

She looked at me seriously for a moment, and then we both dissolved into laughter.

Alice was right, of course. I felt completely refreshed after the lukewarm shower woke up my tired body. When I slipped into the warm, comfortably soft skirt and blouse, I felt even better. I was actually ready for a party.

We arrived just as most people were getting to the large clearing outside of the farmhouse. The men were dragging large branches into the center of the clearing, and all around the night air was heavy with the smell of warm cider.

"You're going to love Carlisle's special spiced cider," Jasper said when we arrived. "It has an awesome kick."

He and Alice chuckled at a private joke and walked off, leaving me to watch the men constructing the base of the bonfire. It looked as though it would be huge. The base was nearly three feet around and they were piling it high with branches and pieces of broken wooden crates. Several of the older children were scampering around naked, collecting rocks to ring the fire with. One or two of the women were working to ring the fire while others were bringing heaping plates of food out to the benches. Everyone was laughing.

I wanted to help, but I wasn't sure where I was supposed to be or what I was supposed to be doing. As I stood there, unsure of where I belonged, I felt a stirring of the air around me. Suddenly, an arm was reaching around me, and I was surrounded in the smell of sweat, dust, and heavy apple cider. I ran my eyes along the lean muscles of his arms, knowing immediately whose arm was encircling me.

"Hi, Riley," I whispered.

I wrapped my fingers around the cup he handed me, intentionally brushing his fingers with mine. He didn't move his hand or come around in front of me. I wanted to lean back into him, but I was filled with doubt. He'd been so scarce this week that I didn't really know what to think about him. I stood still, waiting, wondering what to do.

Suddenly, I felt a tickling at my side. His fingers were playing at the waistline of my skirt. Without thinking, I leaned back into his body, and he let go of the cup only to wrap both his arms around my waist. I was surrounded in warmth and the scent I'd come to associate with him. I could feel his bare chest brushing against my shoulder blades, and it sent a shiver of excitement over my skin.

"How did you know it was me?" he asked.

I felt his lips moving against my hair, and I shivered again as his breath touched my skin. Somehow, I made my mouth move.

"I just…did," I whispered. "You made quite an impression on me the other night."

I felt him smile as his fingers played with the uneven edges of my blouse, teasing my oversensitive skin with hints of his touch. My throat was suddenly dry, and so I brought the drink to my mouth and gulped down some of the liquid without really smelling it. It was a huge mistake.

I bent over coughing spastically as the drink burned my nose and throat with its heat and the alcohol in it. I hadn't been expecting anything alcoholic, and the sudden burn coursing down my throat surprised the hell out of me. Riley was at my side chuckling and patting my back.

"Didn't your little friend tell you about Carlisle's special cider?" he crooned in my ear as I continued to cough.

"I need…water," I moaned, my throat on fire and my cheeks burning as well.

"Come on, beautiful," he murmured. "I'll get you what you need."

I wasn't embarrassed enough not to think about all the double entendres behind _that_ proclamation…and wanted just about every one of them. My body just reacted to everything about this man, from his perfect form to the way his heated touch sent chills racing all over my skin. And he'd just called me beautiful. No one had ever said that to me before.

Just as I stood up on my shaky legs and leaned into Riley's side, Alice bounced into view with a disapproving look on her face. I felt Riley's fingers curl around my waist possessively, and I shrank further into his side.

"Bella," she said. "I wondered where you had gotten to. They're going to light the fire soon."

"Yeah, well, her drink just lit a fire in her throat, so I'm taking her to get some water and food." Riley's voice was harsh, but Alice didn't seem deterred.

"I can do that," she said, stepping forward.

"Why don't we let Bella choose," he said. "Baby, who do you want to take you?"

I looked over at Alice whose happy face was marred with her crinkled eyebrows as she looked back at me angrily. I could almost hear her fast, staccato voice in my head. _I've told you about him. Why aren't you listening?_ But I felt Riley's fingers drawing circles on my exposed flesh, and there was no way I was walking away from him.

"Alice, it's fine. We'll catch up to you before they light the fire. I promise."

My voice sounded thin and scratchy and it hurt to talk. The raw liquor had done a number on my throat, and I was looking forward to a cool drink…and possibly more alone time with Riley and his burning hot fingers. Alice still looked put out, but walked away without a word after I spoke. Riley was already leading me away toward the tables of food. He needed both of his hands to pick up our food, so I stayed close at his side just to feel his heat. He deftly scooped up a plate with muffins and chicken and two cups before nodding away from all of the commotion.

"Come on," he said quietly. "I'll show you where I eat dinner."

I furrowed my brow but followed him. I'd told Alice we'd meet her…but the thought of some quiet time with Riley was just too tempting. We made our way to a silent hill where we could look down on bustling work going on down below. They looked the same from up here: content and working like a well-oiled machine.

Riley and I ate in silence, and the cold water did wonders to soothe my throat. I was beginning to get uncomfortable with the silence, and I fidgeted with the hem of my dress, unintentionally making it ride higher on my calves. I left it there, wondering what he'd do.

"So, what does Carlisle put in that stuff?" I asked nervously, happy to hear my voice sound more normal. "It tasted harsher than moonshine."

Riley lay back on the ground and put his hands behind his head, looking up at me from the grass. He looked amazing…I just wanted to touch his perfect muscles. From the satisfied smile on his face, I gathered that he had an idea what he looked like and what I was thinking.

"He doesn't really put anything in it other than spices and water…but he lets it ferment for a full year. It's potent shit, I'll tell you that."

"Yeah…so I gathered."

I ran my hand along my neck, still remembering the burn. He leaned up on one arm and held out the other cup he'd gotten.

"I got some more if you'd like to try it slowly this time."

When I reached out and took the cup from him, I smiled shyly at him. I couldn't help but worry it would hurt going down. But, knowing what it was, I sipped slowly; and really, it had quite a smooth taste. It had the perfect balance of spices and apple to it, almost as rich as an apple pie with the highlight of alcohol in the background. It wasn't nearly as overwhelming when you didn't gulp massive quantities down your throat.

"It's good," I said. "Thanks."

"Can I have some?" he asked, a sly smile on his lips.

I couldn't help remembering the last time we'd shared something, and I returned his smiled.

"Of course…I like sharing with you."

He took a far larger drink of the cider, and then placed it over to the side, swirling the liquid in his mouth before swallowing loudly. He sat up on his knees and brought his face closer to mine, his breath fanning my skin. I could smell the apples and liquor.

"Want a taste?" he murmured.

His voice was low with desire, and it rendered me suddenly speechless. I had barely nodded once when lips were on mine, and his hands were running through my hair. There was nothing gentle or playful in his kiss; it was pure need. My hands moved of their own accord, trailing up and down his bare chest and feeling the softness of the hair dusting there. I reached around his waist and pulled on him, wanting to feel him pressed against me. His tongue was rough in my mouth, plunging deeper and deeper.

Our teeth clicked together painfully, but he didn't let up his pressure against my lips. He moved his hands roughly through my hair and down my back, pulling me forcefully to him. I tried to pull my face away for a moment just to catch a breath when he growled and held my head fast to his.

Warning bells went off in my head. What had started out as passion was quickly becoming something darker, unrestrained. I couldn't pull my face away and simply knowing that made my chest hurt, craving more air. When I continued to try to pull my lips away from his and close my mouth against his tongue, he twisted a fist in my hair, pulling and ripping as he went. A strangled scream escaped my mouth as the pain shot through my scalp and fear crawled down my back.

He was too strong for me. And there was no one around.

Blessedly, he pulled his face away from mine for a moment, and I sucked in a glorious breath of air, gearing up to let out a scream of terror. He didn't give me that long.

He pulled me backward by my hair and laid his full weight on top of me. He wrapped his other hand around my throat. Without saying a word, he threatened me with his eyes. My scream died in my throat as his hand stroked my throat.

"Good girl," he said, his voice hard and hoarse. "I'll make you moan and scream…but not yet."

I whimpered instead, frightened by the threats behind his words. He finally released my hair and brought his hand immediately to my chest, pinching and grabbing my breasts.

"Stop…please," I whimpered. "You're hurting me."

"You want it." His voice was a sticky, hot noise in my ear as he ground himself into me, pushing me into the hard ground.

I was completely trapped. I pushed up on his body, trying to move him, show him that I didn't want this…that I was scared. He didn't budge.

"You need it."

My vision was clouding with a combination of fear and panic. Even though I was panting hard, I felt like I was getting no air into my lungs. I felt the wetness running down my cheeks and knew it was a combination of my own tears and his oily sweat running into my eyes. They burned with the salt of his sweat.

"You love it."

His hand ripped the fragile fabric of my shirt exposing my breast, which he pinched too hard. I squeaked and again begged him to stop. He only laughed. My brain couldn't process the change in him. He had been so different before.

My mind started to detach itself from my body so that I didn't feel the pain and the fear. I started thinking about him before, when he had turned me on so thoroughly just by talking to me and barely touching me. Was that just earlier this week? Or the way he made my skin feel as he touched me earlier tonight…it had felt so good. Why had he changed?

Somewhere in the back of my mind, a small voice that I recognized as Alice's told me that he hadn't changed…that _this_ had always been there, I'd just chosen to look the other way. I didn't want to listen to that voice. I didn't want to think I could be that wrong.

His hands and nails and teeth were all over me now. He was holding me down and biting and scraping and pulling. Nothing felt good. My body was crawling with distaste, but my mind had given up. There was no fight left in me anymore. I could kick him…but I wouldn't. Fear had shut me down.

Suddenly, the weight was gone, and the air was filled was snarls and growls and curses being hurled in loud voices. Soft, cool hands were covering my face and pulling my clothes around my body, and I was looking blindly around me, trying to figure out where I was and what had happened to Riley.

I saw him snarling and straining against the grip of two large men. Emmett and Carlisle were holding him back. He didn't look human as he spat and cursed at the two men. My hands darted to my tattered shirt to cover myself, but they were shaking so badly, I only made things worse, exposing more flesh as my hands trembled and shook.

"Shh," a soft voice said. "Let me help you."

I didn't recognize the voice at first, and I couldn't place the face. She looked like an angel to me, her kind features surrounded in blonde curls. But then I placed her smile…she was the girl who had been chasing around the kids that first day. I couldn't remember her name, but in that moment, she was the most beautiful person I'd ever seen. I collapsed against her and burst into tears.

She lifted me up with her strong arms, deftly covering my body as she did so, and led me away. I didn't know what direction we were headed because even though my eyes were open, they weren't processing much of anything. I vaguely registered the fact that I was in shock and that I was rambling to the girl holding me. She made soft noises of assent, which I assumed were meant to calm me…they did nothing. As we walked, I felt another set of hands come around my waist, and I screamed at the contact. The hands didn't pull away, and the other girl just held me tighter.

"Shh, Bella. No one will hurt you anymore," she cooed at me as if I was one of the children she cared for. "Esme came to help us."

I relaxed into their strong arms and allowed them to walk me through the night. I didn't hear my voice any longer and knew I wasn't babbling any more. I could feel the tremors taking over my body and had the presence of mind to tell them to stop before I collapsed into a shaking pile of girl on the grass. I couldn't move any longer, at least not by myself. I was shaking too hard.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

I continued to shake and apologize as Esme and the beautiful young girl surrounded me, petting my hair and telling me that everything would be fine. I couldn't stop myself from apologizing.

Alice had arrived; I could hear her voice and I recognized it. She was panicking and I wanted to tell her I was fine…but I didn't want to lie. I felt her hands on my shoulders and heard her making clucks as she found new marks and cuts on my body. I didn't feel anything as she poked and prodded my skin.

"We need to get her to the big house," a voice I recognized as Esme's said. "Carlisle will be coming back after they get rid of him."

Her voice was full of disgust and a small part of me worried about what they would do to him. After all, this was my fault. I had to take responsibility for this.

"It is _not_ your fault," the girl whose name I couldn't remember said harshly, an entirely different tone to her voice. "Don't you ever say that again."

I must have spoken aloud without realizing it. How odd.

"Alice, go get Jasper. She can't walk."

"I'm not leaving her," Alice said indignantly.

"Rose?" Esme asked.

Rose. That was her name. Her hands tightened around mine like she didn't want to leave me, but then she released me. My senses were beginning to calm down, and I heard her walking away. I turned and I saw Alice's concerned eyes staring at me. She smiled when she saw me focus on her. Her face swam as I started crying again. I felt her hands and Esme's running gently over my skin, trying desperately to calm me.

And in the back of my mind, it began to loop over and over. The feel of his hands, the sickening ripping of my hair, the pinches, scrapes and bites…I couldn't make it stop.

And that was when I threw up.

_**A/N: Ok, let me begin by explaining something from LAST chapter. A lot of you were...intrigued...by our naked apple pickers. That actually came from a picture I found while doing research on communes. So, yeah, that wasn't just gratuitous. ;) For this chapter...Bella has a lot of underlying issues that we don't know about yet because she isn't dealing with them. While I don't believe that people NEED a violent event in their lives to snap them out of themselves, I knew it would work for this character. As someone who has survived an attack, I know that these images were difficult to read. They were difficult to write. But I didn't write them lightly. There is a purpose and she will grow from this. It was also a way to bring Rose into the story and begin the process that is going to get Bella to Edward. Yes, she will get there. But she has some discovery to do and some growing. I hope you'll stick with me as Bella goes through this process and comes out a better person. I'd love to hear your thoughts. Thanks so much for reading! ~Jen**_


	3. Incense and Peppermints

**_Bella is still getting over the attack from last chapter. She is suffering through anxiety attacks and reliving some of her issues. This is the last chapter of somewhat sensitive material. As y'all will find out at the end. ;) ~Jen_**

**_And, you know. SM owns all, including me._**

_Hands … everywhere. They're all I can see, and I'm pushing at them, but nothing is happening, the hands don't go away. I want them to stop because I can't breathe, but nothing I do has any effect. I try to talk, to cry out because I know if I do, Daddy will come, and everything will be ok._

I woke up to the sound of someone's hoarse screaming. There was wetness on my face and cool sure hands were stroking my hair. I batted the hands away because I couldn't see who they belonged to and I thought _they_ were the hands that had been holding me down.

"Shh," a voice whispered. "Bella, it's Rose. Please be still for just a minute, okay, honey?"

I quieted at the sound of her soft voice. I was surprised when her hands continued to brush my hair out of my face and wipe away the tears. Slowly, I realized that I had been dreaming. The screaming had been coming from my own mouth and by the feel of my throat, this wasn't the first time. The harsh hands that made it hard to breathe weren't really here. They were only in my memory. I worried that I was going crazy, and I began crying in earnest. The dream had felt so real.

"How long have I been asleep?" I croaked.

"Just over twenty hours," Rose whispered as she sat on the edge of my bed.

There was hardly any light shining across my bed, so I guessed that it was the middle of the night. I vaguely remembered Rose and Alice sitting up with me after … the attack for most of that night. I must have fallen asleep sometime near dawn and been asleep since then.

"You must be exhausted," I mumbled.

"We've slept," she said quietly, "when you were quiet. I – couldn't leave you."

"We?"

"I asked Esme to have you move in with Em and me for a while," she explained. "I wanted to stay close to you, and there is room enough for Alice as well."

Despite knowing that Emmett was one of the men who saved me, I felt a spark of fear knowing the large muscled man I'd seen earlier was likely in the house with me. Rose smiled as though she understood.

"Em is sleeping in Jas and Alice's tent for a while," she said softly. "It's … easier that way, I know."

I blinked stupidly at her. She had sent her own husband away so that she could care for me? _But why?_ I didn't understand at all.

I ran my shaky hands through my hair, encountering tangles and debris. The debris made me think of the grass, which made me think about _why_ I had been lying in the grass. I was instantly back there, under him, fighting to get away. I didn't come out of it until Rose wrapped her arms around me and whispered in my ear where I was and who I was with.

"Am I insane?" I asked when I finally stopped crying.

"Of course not," she said immediately. "Bella, you're doing remarkably well for only having a day's distance from … it. Better than … others."

I wondered what she meant by that but shrugged and looked around the dark room. Rose got up immediately and began puttering around the room, talking to me as she went as if to reassure me she was still there. _How did she know what I needed?_

"I love the smell of this candle," she said as she moved around the darkness. "Esme and I made it just after Em and I were married two years ago. I only burn it when I'm feeling down; it always lifts my spirits."

I heard the soft whoosh of a match striking, and then I saw a soft glow illuminate Rose's face. She was looking down over the candle as she waited for the wick to ignite, but I could see the dark circles under her eyes as well as the telltale tracks of tears that marked her face; Rose had been crying too.

"It has apple blossom in it, of course, as well as honey comb, but my favorite scent in it is the mint and cloves. It makes the whole room brighter."

She smiled at me as she brought the candle over to my bedside.

"Take a whiff," she offered. "It'll help with your nerves."

It was a soft fragrance, not overwhelming like perfume, just warm; and it permeated the room. It didn't make me happy, but it somehow managed to ease my mind a bit.

"That's really nice," I said. "You said you made it?"

"Yeah," she said. "Esme showed me how. I can show you sometime … if you want."

"I'd really like that," I said with a smile.

We sat in silence for several moments before my mind started to wander. It was almost as if Rose could see it coming. Her hands were on mine even before I started whimpering with the memories, and her touch stopped the horrible memory in its tracks. It was as if I needed something to remind me where and _when_ I was. Rose's touch did that for me.

"How do you know what to do?" I asked her when she let my fingers go. "You seem to know what I need before I even need it."

Rose's lips tightened for moment before she smiled brightly.

"It's just from being around children so much, I guess," she said. "They can't talk, so I've learned to read what they want. I guess it carries over to adults as well."

I didn't buy what she was saying; her face had been pinched for just a second too long, but I understood what she wasn't saying. She wouldn't talk about it with me yet.

"Well, I'm really thankful for it, whatever it is," I said softly. "You don't know how bad it would be without you."

"Yeah," she said, her voice suddenly harsher, "I do. I'm going to go fix you something to eat. Do you want to use to bathroom?"

"Bathroom?" I ask, my eyebrows lifting.

She smiled warmly and then leaned in conspiratorially.

"Bathroom … with a light switch. It was one of my demands."

She giggled before getting up from the bed.

"It's just down that hallway. Alice is in the next room, and she'll likely hear you when you go out of the room. She is the _only_ other person in the house."

Her wide, blue eyes held mine steadily, and I heard the question she didn't ask me.

"Maybe I'll just walk behind you," I said.

She nodded and turned, and I was behind her in an instant. My legs felt unsteady, and I was glad to have her there. When Alice stumbled out of her room at the sound of our footsteps, I still jumped even though I expected her to be there. She followed us down the hallway and sat outside of the bathroom while I took care of my business. She then walked me down to Rose's kitchen before shuffling back to bed.

I hated being babied, but I realized I didn't have much choice in the matter. I needed their help if I was going to overcome this without losing my sanity.

"You'll have to forgive Alice," Rose said when I was seated at the wooden table. "She worked all day yesterday after being up most of the night before. The poor girl is dead on her feet."

"She didn't have to do that," I mumbled, picking at the long sleeves of the shirt I was wearing. I looked down and realized that it wasn't my shirt; Rose must have given me one of her shirts.

"Of course she did," Rose said, turning around to face me. "She loves you like a sister, Bella; she wouldn't leave you for an instant that night, and she hated going to work the next day, but it was necessary. She wanted to stay with you tonight, but I insisted that she get some rest."

"I'm glad she listened to you," I said.

I watched Rose move around her kitchen, deftly wielding the shining copper-bottomed cookware that looked as though it has come out of one of the finest department stores. She was fixing me an omelet with a side of fried potatoes, and the smell was out of this world.

"Rose … you're not like everyone else here," I observed as she set the plate in front of me. "How did you end up at this place?"

"Em is here," she said simply and sat down across from me. "There's nowhere else I'd rather be than with him. Though, as I said before, I had my demands."

I knew enough about this place to know that no one really cared much for money, and yet everything I'd seen of Rose's house spoke of understated elegance. She must have had some dough to get the things that she had. I didn't want to push her, but asking questions was distracting me from my memories, so I pressed on.

"What kinds of demands?" I asked.

"Well, the working toilet and lights for one," she said, holding out her fingers as she talked. "Also, I wanted some of _my_ things. Making your own stuff is all well and good, but nothing makes an omelet like a good copper frying pan."

I looked her squarely in the eyes, hoping she would continue but she continued to look right back at me. I couldn't hold her gaze and ended up dropping my eyes to the table.

"You don't want to hear my story, Bella," she said softly, reaching over and taking my hand. "It's too much for you right now. Please, just trust me."

"You act like you know everything, but maybe I'm fine," I said indignantly.

It was her turn to look down at the table, but I knew she wasn't defeated. She was thinking.

"You really want to know why I'm here? Why I know _exactly_ what you need? Are you sure about that, Bella?"

I nodded, my chin jutted out in indignation.

"I was eighteen," she said with a smug smile, "and the prettiest girl in Rochester, New York. Daddy bought me everything I wanted, all of the beautiful dresses and high-heeled shoes … nothing was too pricy or too good for his baby girl. I pranced around town like I owned the place, and I really believed that I did. So when Royce King asked to date me steady, I knew it was the right thing."

She clasped her hands, and I already regretted pushing her. I knew where this was going … I probably had known it all along.

"Two weeks," she said harshly as a tear fell out of her eye. "He was with me for two weeks before he pinned me in the back of his silver corvette and took the only thing from me I could never get back. He beat me, Bella, within an inch of my life, and when he drove me back home and threw me out of his car, he told me that I hadn't been worth the wait … I didn't scream enough.

"I went home, but things were never the same. Daddy knew where I'd been and what had happened even though I never opened my mouth. I was slowly dying inside, but I refused to let him or my mother in. They wouldn't have been any help even if I had; they wanted to buy me back with gifts and money, none of which even mattered any more. Thank God I ran into Emmett when I did. I never would have survived without him, though I can't say I made it easy on him." She laughed as she looked above me, clearly thinking back on those first days with Emmet. "He made it clear that he wasn't about to hurt me or leave me, and I soon realized that I was in love with him. And … the rest is history. I'm here because he brought me here, and I can't survive without him."

She seemed very comfortable with the fact that she needed him so desperately. Even now, a part of me kept saying that was the old way. Women weren't supposed to need men that badly. But Rose didn't strike me as a weak woman; she might be the strongest woman I'd ever met. The two things didn't jive in my head.

"Look, Bella, what happened to me is completely different than what happened to you … and it's exactly the same. All I can tell you is that it's a war you're going to have to fight with yourself. Em didn't fight my battle for me. He was just there when I was done fighting with myself. I can't help thinking it's going to be harder for you because you never trusted anyone _before_."

I scowled. I couldn't help myself despite the fact that I knew she was right.

"People are always letting each other down, Rose. Case it point … Riley. I _did_ trust him. I let him in and let him take me up on that hill because I trusted him and then … look what happened."

Rose got up and came to kneel beside me.

"No," she said. "This didn't happen because you trusted him. This happened because you _didn't_ trust Alice or yourself. I know that Alice warned you, and I know from some of the things you said last night in your sleep that you were wary of him, too. But you ignored that … _that's_ what you need to fix, baby. Don't you see that?"

I didn't want to think about those things. I wanted to believe it was my misplaced trust in Riley that led to that disaster, not my lack of trust in my own judgment or Alice. For some reason, that was harder for me to accept.

"You don't need to do this now," Rose said, taking my empty plate and rinsing it in the sink. "But you are going to need to do it. You're a fighter; I can tell that, but you aren't strong enough to do it all on your own. And to accept help, you're going to need to trust."

She cleaned up after my middle-of-the-night meal while I sat in silence, thinking about her words of advice and her confession to me about her past. It surprised me that Rose had been a victim as well. She was gorgeous, and I couldn't imagine a man _not_ wanting her, but it surprised me that a man would be bold enough to do anything about it. Rose was strong, determined, and I felt as though if she wanted to, she could take a man down. I never felt that strong and I had no idea how to change that.

"So … these things that you insisted on having?" I asked, picking at a knot in the table. "How did you get them?"

"Daddy gave some of them to me," she said tersely. "A little parting gift before I left him for good. Most of them Em got for me in New York before we came here."

I furrowed my brow and looked up at her.

"Em hasn't always been the head lumberjack here at Morningside, Bella," she said proudly. "He's a fully licensed lawyer and was damn successful at it before we came to live here."

"Why?"

"Because he knew this was best for me," she said. Her voice was simple, unapologetic. "This place is everything that other world wasn't. Sure, I have my modern commodities like running water and a toilet, but this place is simple and the people are simple. And no one asks about my past or why I cry when I see a corvette."

She looked up at me, and I could see the warring emotions on her face. She disliked showing this emotion, but we were in this together now. I was likely the only person that understood her here. I realized something else. It was my pain that had caused the tear-tracks I saw on her face in the candlelight. I had brought back her terrible memories.

"I'm sorry, Rose," I said quietly. "You don't have to do this if it hurts you. I don't want to make it worse on you."

"You're really quite silly, you know that?" she asked with a smile. "Alice means well, but she'll say something or do something that will set you off. I'm the only one here who can do this, and I intend to. Well … not the only one, but … well, that's for her to tell you."

I looked at her for a moment, trying to make out her cryptic statement, but I was unable to do so.

"You don't have to keep Em away," I said finally. "I know that must make it worse for you. He's … well, he helps you the way you help me."

I hoped she would understand what I was saying. I got what the point of her story was and how hopeless she must have felt until she found the person she could lean on. Right now, _she_ was that person for me.

"Em is never far away from me," she said, her hand hovering over her heart. "I don't need him sitting in front of me to know that he's with me … at least not anymore."

She smiled at me, and I knew she really _heard_ me. She led me back upstairs even though I insisted I wasn't sleepy anymore. As soon as I was in the darkened room and my head hit the pillow, I was asleep, my mind drifting over disjointed images. Some of them I recognized and wanted to dwell on, others I barely understood but my dream-self instinctively turned away from them.

The next several weeks were slow for me. I assumed I'd be back in the orchard within a day or two, but it was nearly a month before I got up the courage to fight Rose's instance that I stay with her.

"My cuts and bruises are all healed," I said, tight-lipped. "This is what people do here, right Alice?"

"I agree with Rose," Alice said quietly, sitting wrapped within herself on the edge of my bed.

"I'll be fine," I said angrily as I stood up.

I knew they were worried about a breakdown. I'd had enough of them over the last month that I understood their concern. But this was different. My breaks with reality occurred at night in the dark when Riley seemed to haunt me.

"I'm coming," Rose said, standing up beside me.

"Don't be silly," I responded immediately. "You'll miss the kids too much, and they'll miss you. They won't, however, miss me."

I rolled my eyes at her, and she smiled weakly. I'd been with her every day for the past three weeks, so I had been helping with the children who lived on the farm. Me and kids didn't jive. At all.

"Still, I'm going with you to make sure everything is fine," Rose said determinedly. "Once I'm sure, Alice will stay with you for the rest of the day.

"Yep," Alice said, trying to regain some of her chipper demeanor. I knew that the past few weeks had worn on her. It didn't make sense to her what had happened. She didn't trust Riley, but the thought of another person doing as much harm as he had done sort of broke her a bit. She was wary now, mistrustful of her own premonitions. She told me once after one of my particularly bad nightmares that she blamed herself for not being more forceful with me about him.

_"I only made a suggestion," she said. "I should have forced you."_

_"Right, Alice. And how were you going to force me?" I asked through my leftover tears._

_"Oh, I have my ways, Bella Swan. Don't you ever bet against me."_

I hated to see her beating herself up over this, and I wanted to prove to her and to Rose that I was better. Em had come back to their house a week and a half after the incident and despite a rocky start, I could walk past him without losing my shit. That was a milestone for me. I was ready to try being out on the farm.

We waited until it was full daylight before going out. I already knew that I was better in the light than I was when any trace of darkness remained. It was a gorgeous day when we stepped outside, the wind crisp and comfortable. I began to fidget with the loose shirt I was wearing, wondering what everyone would do when they saw me. Would they stop and stare or would they just go about their business as if nothing had happened?

I wasn't sure what would be worse. On the one hand, most of the commune probably hadn't had time to dwell on what happened at the bonfire. I was sure that they all knew. Almost every family there had brought by a little something for Rose and I, be it an apple pie or covered dish of food. They knew I was holed away for a reason, and they certainly realized that Riley was no longer there. But if they didn't even acknowledge it, would it be as if it never happened? Would they just expect me to forget completely that my life had been turned upside down?

As we made our way through the rows of trees, I realized that there was a mixed reaction to my sudden presence. The men uniformly seemed to work harder and keep their heads down; the women looked up shyly and offered smiles. I felt a little panic rising in my chest as I saw the men, some of them with their shirts already soaked through and clinging to their muscles, most with no shirts at all. But the panic was manageable. It was even more manageable when both Rose and Alice took my hands and held them tight.

With my hands grounded by my friends, I was able to focus on the individuals around me. I saw people that I recognized, friendly faces that smiled back at me when my lips lifted tentatively in greeting. It made me hopeful that I would be able to get through the day with Alice by my side. We continued walking until I saw a familiar profile; Jasper was waiting for us.

"Hey!" he called as we got closer.

Alice squeezed my hand and then ran over to him, tilting her head up to meet his face. Their foreheads just barely touched, and when they looked into each other's eyes, it felt intrusive to continue watching them. They hadn't been apart for more than a few hours, but I knew that to Alice, any time away from Jasper was uncomfortable.

"Bella, it's good to have you back," he said.

"We don't know if she's back yet," Rose said protectively.

I squeezed her hand and turned to face her.

"I'm ok," I said. "Really. Rose … I can't tell you how grateful I am to you for everything you've done for me. And I won't lie and say I don't still need to be around you at night … but I feel safe here. I _want_ to be here."

I could feel her deep blue eyes searching mine for signs that I was lying. I knew she wouldn't find anything there, so I allowed her to search as long as she needed.

"Alright," she said finally.

"Thanks," I said again.

"For what?"

"For trusting me," I said with a soft chuckle.

She smiled genuinely this time.

"I always have," she said softly and then turned around.

The panic was there as I watched her walk away. I felt it rising, but then I felt Alice's small arm wrap around my waist.

"Come on," she said. "Let's get to work."

The apples had all been picked. We were mulching the trees for the mild winter that lay ahead, as well as pruning and trimming the dead branches. It wasn't nearly as back-breaking as picking the apples had been, but my hands ached from the large clippers I used. About an hour into our work, Jasper came over when he noticed me rubbing my blistering hands.

"Hey, let me get you some gloves, Bella," he offered softly. "You're hands are going to be really messed up if you don't."

"Oh, it's alright, Jas," I said, shaking my head. "You don't have to do that. I'll be fine."

"C'mon …," he said with a grin. "You know you want 'em."

Suddenly, everything around me was far away. My heart reacted first, speeding up and fluttering uncomfortably in my chest. It was as if I was looking through a narrow tube and all around me the darkness was threatening to take over. I heard a low keening wail building in the darkness and only vaguely recognized it as my own voice. The only sound I could focus on was the way Riley's voice filling my mind. The fear gripped me in a vice like hold, refusing to let go. And then, I was there, on the hill and under Riley again.

_You want it._

_You need it._

_You love it._

"Bella!"

A pair of cold hands were gripping my face and bringing me out of the darkness. My face was clammy and covered in a cold sweat. Slowly, the sunlight seemed to filter through whatever had taken hold of me, and I began to realize what was going on around me. There was a sea of faces looming above my face … too many for me to process. I focused on the owner of the hands as my heart continued to thud painfully in my chest.

Carmel colored hair tinged with the faintest red. Deep brown eyes full of warmth and concern. High cheeks touched with apple-blossom pink.

This was Esme. I remembered her.

"Bella."

I watched her pink lips move and form my name. Slowly the wail that had filled the air died down. I recognized the burn in my throat and knew I must have been screaming for quite some time. I felt a blush rising on my face, making me feel overheated. The faces continued to stare in concern as the fear continued to prickle through my body, slowly letting me out of its grasp.

"Alright," Esme said quietly. "Let's go."

"Bella, wait," a male voice called, and I flinched. "I'm sorry."

I recognized this voice and turned toward it. It was all Jasper now; Riley's voice was completely gone.

"It's ok, Jasper. Really. You couldn't know."

Alice was at his side, stroking his arm and trying to hush him. I saw the look of horror on his face at what had transpired. I wanted to walk over to him and hug him, tell him that it wasn't him, it was just the stupid words. But I couldn't make myself go over to him, no matter how much I tried to tell myself it was the right thing to do.

"Later," Esme whispered in my ear. "Come with me now."

She led me through the wide rows of trees, and all around me I heard the silence I had caused. I hated the way I had completely invaded this world, and my problems had set it on end. Because of me, it wasn't the quiet simple place it had been before. I know that Rose would tell me that it wasn't me, it was Riley. Still, I couldn't get over the thought that I was the one staying and burdening them.

Esme bustled around her kitchen when we arrived at the big house. I curled myself up in a corner of their couch, biting my nails as I watched Esme prepare tea.

"Milk and honey?" she asked.

I nodded, and she brought a tray over to the couch, laying it between us.

"I can't help but think that there's a reason you're here," she said finally.

"I don't understand," I said, confused.

"Your life seemed to be heading on this path for a while, Bella. I can't help thinking that fate had a little hand in bringing you here to us when it happened."

I was confused. She thought it was a _good thing_ I was here and got attacked? I didn't get where she was trying to go with this at all.

"Don't you see?" she asked. "You're here with two women who understand, Bella. That's such a fortunate thing for your recovery."

"Two women?" I asked quietly.

"Ah … Rose didn't tell you. You see, I've been there as well, though my tale is slightly different than either yours or Rose's."

I pulled my knees tighter against my chest and hugged them as I sat and watched her face transform in front of me. I knew what was happening inside of her; she was remembering. I didn't know how long ago Esme's story began, but I was beginning to realize that it didn't matter. You always relived it when you thought about it.

"I was a young, scared bride of eighteen when it all started. Charles asked for my hand after only two weeks, and we were married less than a month later. Looking back, there was very little time for me to even wonder what might be coming. I was too caught up in becoming a wife to worry about what kind of man my husband might turn out to be.

"It didn't take long. The first night we spent as husband and wife was the first time he beat me … it went downhill from there. It wasn't until there was someone else for me to worry about that I even thought about getting out."

My eyes widened in horror as her hand covered her long-empty womb. She endured the abuse—she didn't say for how long—until one day she had a reason to leave.

"I found out I was pregnant with Emmett a year after we were married. I knew I had to get out. I ran away, but he found me. And that was the first and last time he put me in the hospital.

"I met Carlisle there while I was recovering. He was finishing his first year of med school, and he was so young and kind–," she paused when she saw my raised eyebrow. "Don't look so shocked, dear. Carlisle is five years my junior. He knew my situation, and yet, he kept coming back. Even when I wasn't in need of care any longer, he kept finding reasons to see me. When I was discharged, I was hardly surprised to see him waiting at the doors of the hospital like a lost puppy. I smiled at him and reached out my hand … well, he's never left my side since."

I knew she was purposely skipping over the hard parts, the parts that might trigger my own reaction. Still, I knew. I could see it in her eyes just how terrorized she had been. I looked at the strong, whole woman sitting across from me and then back at my own knees. I couldn't imagine how she could sit here and calmly talk about it, even all these years later.

"Sweetie, it never goes away, but it _does_ get better. You can't see it, but you are already so much better than you were just a month ago. I watched you walk with your head up today. Do you know you didn't do that the first time you walked up to my door … _before_ Riley?"

I flinched at his name, but her brown eyes held mine level, willing me to stay with her. I reached over and wrapped my hands around the still warm teacup in front of me. I could smell the mixture of cinnamon and apple, always apples, infused in the tea.

"You think I'm getting better?" I asked after my first sip.

"I do. You mustn't view today as a setback, Bella. Rather, you should see it as a step forward. You don't ever have to go through _this_ nightmare again."

We drank in silence for the next several minutes, quietly enjoying each other's company as we sipped the tea. When we were finished, I helped Esme take the dishes over to the sink and wash them out. As I worked quietly with Esme, I felt the panic start to lift. It all came rushing back, however, when I heard the front door bang and swift footsteps come rushing into the house.

"Where is she?" Rose's worried voice called through the house.

"We're back here, darling," Esme called.

Rose came into the kitchen and stood before us, her eyes darting back and forth between Esme and me.

"You look … okay," she said, disbelief thick in her voice. "Alice came and found me … she said it was really bad."

"It was," I said simply. "But it's okay now, Rose."

Rose's eyes moved over my face, studying it for signs that I was hiding my hurt. I knew she wouldn't find what she was looking for, and I smiled at her in response to her concern. She looked over at Esme.

"How did this happen? Alice wouldn't tell me … did someone do something?"

"No, nothing like that," Esme said quietly. "Bella, do you want to tell Rose?"

"Jasper was offering me some gloves," I said and looked up sharply when Rose interrupted.

"And he touched you, didn't he? I told him–" I held my hand up, and she stopped abruptly.

"Rose, it wasn't like that. He just … said something that triggered my memories. He couldn't have known … it was completely innocent."

"Really? So what did he say?"

She gasped and then put her hand over her mouth.

"I'm sorry," she said. "Of course you don't want to say …"

"No, I think I can. Like Esme said … I don't have to live _this_ nightmare anymore." Esme's hand found mine, and I squeezed it. "He was trying to convince me that gloves would be better for my hands. I told him not to worry, and then he said … 'C'mon, you know y-you want 'em.' It was just … very close."

Esme pulled me close into an embrace, and Rose came over and wrapped both of us in her arms. I knew they were proud of me. Damn if I wasn't proud of myself. My voice shook and the darkness threatened again, but I fought back. And I was certain that part of it was because I trusted these women whose arms encircled me.

"Em's worried about you," Rose said. "Jasper's probably beside himself, and I know that Alice is completely wigged. You think you're ready to go out again?"

"Yeah," I said confidently. "I'm fine now."

"Good."

We made our way out to the porch, and as we chatted about the farm was changing with the seasons, the three of us paused and listened to a roaring sound that seemed to be getting closer.

"What in hell?" Rose asked, stepping forward to the edge of the porch and held her hand up to her eyes so she could see into the setting sun. "Esme, someone's coming up the path … on a motorcycle."

Esme broke away from me and rushed to Rose's side, squinting into the sun as she looked toward the vehicle making the raucous noise. Esme turned to Rose with a radiant smile on her lips and then clasped her hands to her chest.

"Edward," she said and then flew down the steps.

**_A/N: Please don't come after me. I know this is a nasty cliffie. But I want to explore how Bella feels the first time she lays eyes on Edward and I think it's going to be involved. I'm also going to give you at least one EPOV in here. So, I hope you are enjoying this story as much as I am enjoying writing it. And, as always, I hope that Bookjunkie1975 is really enjoying it. Thanks, again, to my amazing beta and twifey, Savage Woman, and my pre-reader and bestie, Swimom7. Seriously, this fandom has given me some of the best friends I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. :) *sniff* anyway, thanks for reading and I hope you'll leave me a little love. :) ~Jen_**


	4. Easy Rider

_**Disclaimer:** I don't own EasyRiderWard; I don't own Bella. I do own a beat up guitar and a CD of Elvis's number one hits. The music and lyrics for "Can't Help Fallin' in Love" were written by __George Weiss, Hugo Peretti and Luigi Creatore. All rights reserved and all that good stuff._

* * *

_**EPOV**_

I spent most of the ride thinking about my past, trying to figure out what was bringing me back home after three years spent convincing myself I didn't belong at Morningstar. I couldn't come up with anything. The straight roads that seemed to lead directly into the sun lay in front of me, and I felt like I was driving back in time, riding past all of the things I'd left behind when I walked out so long ago.

The day Tanya told me that it was either her or the farm, I knew I would leave with her. I made a show of thinking long and hard about leaving my folks, but really, there was no choice for me. I'd chosen to be with her the minute she showed a mild interest in me my first day of law school. She was a student in one of the classes I TA'd for. She was all legs and wild hair, and she wanted me. So, it must have been love.

At least that's what I told myself when I walked away from everything I ever knew to take her across the country. As my bike kicked up the dirt around me, I realized Tanya was never in love with me. She wanted me, and she took everything I gave her, but there was nothing that held her to me. So it really shouldn't have come as a surprise when one day, instead of coming home to Tanya, I came home to an empty apartment and a Dear John note.

I was over Tanya before she even left, but I didn't know it until I got on the road back home. Tanya was a chance at something new and different, and she chose me. On the farm, I was always Carlisle and Esme's kid. I wasn't just Edward. To Tanya, I was special, or at least she made me believe that I was for a time. I let her pretty face and my cock dictate my decision. I didn't love her, not really.

She was comfortable and warm and convenient. She was a distraction. I missed her when she left, and for a time, I told myself that was because my heart was broken. I think it was harder for me to admit that my heart wasn't broken than it was to get over her leaving me. In the end, I decided that Tanya had done me a huge favor leaving the way she did. I stayed in New York for a few months. I tried to make my life there work without Tanya, but it wouldn't because that was never _my _life. It was the life Tanya thought I should have had. Weeks of soul searching later, I came to the conclusion that I was living the wrong person's life and needed to shit or get off the pot. So I left. The job at the law firm was a paycheck, nothing more. I quit and broke my lease, sold all of my stuff and then bought the bike.

Well, I sold almost everything. I kept the guitar and slung it on my back as I rode. It was a comfort on the lonely nights. I had the money to stay in hotels along the way, but I had no desire to do so. If one of the fancy shrinks Tanya and I used to have dinner with back in New York had seen me on the road, scruffy with a days' old beard on my face and dirty from the highway, he would have said I was in the midst of a deep depression. While possible, I thought it more likely that I knew I needed to go back in time in order to reach my roots, and the only way to do that was the hard dirty way.

And so, I rode. Day and night, stopping when I was tired, eating when I was hungry. I never looked for company, but people seemed to find me when the loneliness got too much and I began to feel stir crazy. I thought it would be hard to leave the big city behind, but the minute I was on the road, I never looked back. I was finally doing what I should have done a long time ago. I was going back to where it all began. I was going home.

The old farm hadn't changed at all in the three years I'd been gone. I turned the bike onto the dirt road, cut the engine, and stood there for a moment, just taking it all in. The scent of gone-over apples filled the air, and I smiled. Nothing would ever smell more like home to me than the scent of apples past their prime and the tart stink of Dad's cider. I revved the engine and started slowly down the path. It occurred to me that I was going to draw lots of unwanted attention with my noisy arrival, but part of me wanted the big welcome home.

I was the prodigal son today, and I wanted my father to greet me with a fatted calf and a mug of his best cider. I wanted my mother to embrace me and tell me that she always knew I'd come home. And I wanted to see my brother again. God, I missed his face.

I saw the three women standing on the porch, but only one of them mattered to me. Mom had her hands clasped beneath her chin, and I knew she saw me. When I saw her running down the steps to meet me, I stopped the bike and propped it up against one of the trees. Mom was still running down the dirt path when I turned around and started walking toward her.

She threw herself into my arms, the leather of my road-worn jacket crunching under her solid embrace. I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her close, smelling the cinnamon and sugar smell I had always associated with my mother's hugs.

"Hi mom," I said, my voice rough from being silent for so long.

Her face was buried in my chest, but she lifted it up when I spoke. Her brown eyes were swimming with tears but her smile broke through.

"Edward," she whispered.

Her hands moved up to cup my face, and I was grateful I had taken the time to shave. She ran her thumbs over my cheekbones and then pulled my head down to her, placing a kiss on my forehead.

"Welcome home," she said as she released me.

I was glad she didn't ask questions. I knew I wasn't off the hook. There would be plenty of things to answer when Dad was back from the distillery shed and we were settled around the dinner table. But for now, I was just home. And I was welcome. Thank God for small favors.

"Where're your bags, baby?" she asked, threading her arm through mine.

"Just the guitar, Mom," I said. "I traveled light."

I saw her lips turn down for an instant in worry or disappointment, but they recovered quickly. She hadn't changed much – a few extra lines and more than a few grey hairs – but basically she looked the same as she did when I left. I don't know what I was expecting to see when arrived – maybe her and Dad standing in the same spot they were when I walked away three years ago, looking exactly the same. It was somehow comforting to me knowing that their life _had_ gone on without me. And now, it would go on _with_ me because I was welcome.

We walked toward the house and I finally looked up to see who the other two women were who had been with my mother. One I recognized as Emmett's wife. Rose was standing at the edge of the porch, her arms crossed across her chest, and a frown marring her pretty features.

She barely knew me. When Tanya and I had first moved to the city, we stayed with Emmett in his apartment for a couple of months before we got our own place, but that was before Rose entered the picture. When he brought her over to meet us, the two girls didn't get along, and so Em and I reluctantly agreed to keep get-togethers between the two of us. That was near the end of Tanya and me anyway. I should have known when she stubbornly refused to make nice with my own brother that things weren't meant to be. But I let it go, and eventually I had let him go.

Letting go of Em was like losing a part of me. An important part, at that. I wasn't much use to Tanya after her left, and I think it was the final straw for her. When Em went back home, the last shred of the life I knew and loved went with him.

My eyes drifted past Rose to the other girl standing slightly behind her. She could have faded into the wood siding of the house if not for her brilliantly pale skin. Her arms were crossed over her body as Rose's had been, but on this girl, I knew immediately she held herself that way for protection. The delicate skin around her eyes was nearly purple, and I guessed that her eyes were used to crying. A sharp pain, like a dagger, shot through my heart at the thought of her crying. It shocked me so badly that I gasped and stopped walking.

"Edward," Mom said, "you okay, baby?"

"Yeah," I said distractedly, my eyes still on the girl. "Just a cramp from riding."

The girl's eyes were wide as she watched me walking up the path. I wondered what she was thinking, how long she'd been here. I wondered whether she lived here and I could get to know her, or if she was just passing through. I wanted to pummel her with questions, unwrap the secrets behind her sad eyes. But something deep within me cautioned me against acting on my curiosity. Something told me to move slowly, and I didn't dare question it.

"Hey Rose," I called as we reached the bottom of the steps. "Long time no see."

"Yeah. How's it going, Edward?" she asked.

I thought for a moment before nodding.

"Real good," I said.

Rose didn't say anything else, and my eyes drifted past her to the other girl again. Her head was tilted to the side as she gazed at me. She had deep brown eyes so dark that I lost her pupil within the iris. Despite their darkness, her eyes were not flat. I could see her sadness swimming in the depths along with something else, something deeper. Up close, I could see that she had recently been crying; the skin around her eyes was puffy and red. Her brown hair hung carelessly over her shoulder, and it drew my eyes downward to the swell of her chest.

She was beautiful and I was staring at her. _Nice first impression,_ I thought as I smiled at her.

"Hi. I don't think we've met. I'm Edward Cullen," I said, holding out my hand.

She just stared at me, considering something. She tilted her head to the other side, and just when I thought she was about to walk over and take my hand, Rose stepped in between us.

"You don't have to touch him, Bella," she said harshly.

I stepped back and looked at Rose with confusion. She might not know me very well, but I didn't think she had any reason to hate me. And yet, that was what I saw in her eyes. For some reason, my sister-in-law hated me.

"I didn't mean any harm," I murmured, trying to look past Rose to see the girl's eyes again.

She was looking down, holding herself tighter. I was missing something and looked over to Mom for some answers. Her face was a confused mess of emotion. Maybe the girl was a runaway, maybe she was in trouble of some kind. Whatever it was, it wasn't good.

I wished I could just leave it alone, forget about whatever it was, and just enjoy coming home. But my eyes kept coming back to hers, and my heart kept feeling the same hurt over and over again every time I saw her pain swimming there. There was something in this girl that drew me in and made me want to know her.

"Of course you didn't," Mom said quickly. "Rose, why don't you take Bella down to Alice and then get Emmett … we'll have a family dinner tonight."

Mom's eyes flicked between the girl and me, and she frowned. Rose wrapped her arms around Bella and walked her off the porch, keeping her body between the girl and me. My eyes followed them down the steps, and as they reached the dirt path the girl, twisted her head around to look back. Her brown eyes caught me staring after her. I smiled, but she turned back around quickly.

"Edward, really, of all the girls on the entire farm …" Mom said as she grabbed my arm firmly and lead me into the house.

"What? I just said hi!"

She stopped, and she came around in front of me, her blue eyes on fire.

"There's no 'justs' with this girl, Edward. And you're my _son_, for God's sake. I know the difference between a cordial hello and a spark. That girl lit a damn fire in you."

I smirked and leaned against the kitchen counter, snatching up one of the yellow apples from the basket.

"What's her story?" I asked, polishing the apple on my shirt.

Mom sighed and sat down heavily at the kitchen table.

"She came here about a month ago," Mom said, holding her chin in her hand as she looked up at me. "A week after she got here, one of the field workers took her up on the hill and attacked her. It's only by the grace of Alice that Em and your Dad went looking for her."

"Alice?" I asked, my voice coming out as a strangled whisper.

"You'll meet her later," Mom replied. "She's really quite something. Anyway, they found the monster on top of her and pulled him off before much happened, but the damage was done. She was bruised and broken. Today was her first day back to work and she had … a relapse."

I looked at her, confusion on my face, and she sighed.

"Someone said something that reminded her of the attack. It sent her spiraling back into memories. But I'm rather proud of her. She recovered quickly."

"A fighter," I commented.

"Yes," Mom agreed. "But she's still so broken, Edward. You can't know how difficult this has been for her … or for Rose. She's relived her own nightmare to pull Bella through hers."

I remembered Emmett telling me about Rose once and shuddered. I was glad that this girl had someone as strong and caring as Rose to protect her even if it seemed like Rose would be trying to protect her from me.

Mom changed the subject, moving onto to mundane news about the farm and asking about my ride. She carefully avoided all mention of Tanya and my reasons for coming back home. I answered her questions, nodded in all the right spots, but my mind kept running pictures of Bella's haunted eyes through my subconscious. I dwelt on her face, caressing her features with my mind's eye and trying to smooth out the worry lines I had noticed. I couldn't push her image from my mind.

Mom knew, of course. She always knew when something was eating at me. When I excused myself, saying I wanted to reacquaint myself with the farm before Dad and Em came back, she let me go with a sad smile. She didn't ask the questions I knew were on her mind, which I was thankful for because I was certain I didn't have the answers.

I knew exactly where I wanted to go. I walked quickly out the back of the house and up passed the edge of the orchard to where the oldest trees were. When we were kids, Em and I built a club house in one of the trees out of old apple crates, tires, and ropes. We thought we were super slick stealing nails and boards that we found around the place, but we found out when we were older that Dad had left those out on purpose for us.

The thing always seemed to be on the edge of collapse, but when I walked up to the tree, it was still up there. The boards looked well rotted, and I guessed that if I tried to hoist my fully-grown body up there the whole thing would collapse underneath me. But, it soothed me to know that it was there, a remnant of my past that anchored me to this place. One time, a long time ago, this had been my home. Maybe if I stayed long enough, it would feel that way again.

I don't know how long I was asleep under the old tree before I felt someone's eyes on me. It couldn't have been long because the sun was still in relatively the same spot. I chuckled at myself, thinking how naturally I had fallen back into the habit of checking the sun for the time. I sat up and stretched before looking around to find out who was watching me. My body tensed because I was almost certain Em would jump out of tree at any moment. I scanned the bottoms of the trees looking for his feet but didn't see him. That's when I saw her.

Bella.

She was standing just at the edge of the trees, her body mostly hidden by the trunk of one of the larger trees. Her head peeked out and her hair hung down, shining orange and red in setting sun. When my eyes met hers, they widened, and she ducked back behind the tree.

I was up and moving before I really thought about it and slowed down almost immediately. If she was out alone for a walk, that was probably good progress for her. If I ran over to her like an excited puppy and tried to grab her hand again, that would likely set her back. I considered my options. I could walk over to her, or I could let her come to me. The only question was, could I live with it if she chose not to come?

I leaned against the nearest tree and pulled on a branch, making as much noise as I could and keeping my eyes locked on where I knew Bella was hiding. I saw a movement and my heart leapt. Four pale fingers crept around the side of the tree followed by the very tip of her head. I couldn't stop the smile on my face, but managed to split my gaze between the ground and Bella. Her head continued to creep farther around the tree until I could see her eyes.

"Hello," I said quietly.

She didn't respond immediately, but she also didn't retreat. I kept my head down and my eyes mostly averted. I really had no idea what I was doing, but something told me to treat her like a skittish animal that was afraid of being attacked. So, I avoided eye-contact despite the fact that was the one thing I craved.

I saw her fingers wave once, then again.

"I'm Edward," I said just as quietly. "You can stay behind the tree if it's more comfortable for you."

"I'm Bella."

Her voice was a whisper on the wind. It drifted by me, and I barely heard it, but I held onto it all the same. She spoke to me.

"Mom and Dad will be expecting me for dinner," I said, bending down slowly and picking up a handful of wildflowers and long grass. "I have to be getting back."

"Do you – why are you here?" she asked.

I began separating the grass from the flowers as I considered her question.

"Here as in this part of the orchard?" I asked. "Or here, as in the farm?"

When all the grass was separate, I began winding it around the stems of the flowers, binding them together.

"Both," she said, stepping out from behind the tree and leaning against it.

I saw her hands gripping the bark of the tree tightly as though she might fall without it.

"I'm on the farm because it's my home – or at least it was – and I wish it to be again." I tied the ends of the grass together neatly and admired my handiwork. "I'm in this part of the orchard because I used to come here as a child. I'm remembering my old haunts."

I looked up slowly from my newly made bouquet. She was watching me with her wide dark eyes. I held the bunch of flowers up to her before bending down and setting them on the grass in front of me.

"Maybe you'll decide to join us for dinner … Bella."

I held her eyes as I started to walk. I'd need to walk past her in order to get back to the house, but I didn't want her to think I was threatening her. I gave her tree a very wide berth and nodded my head to her as I passed. She followed me with her eyes the entire way until I had to turn away from her.

"Maybe," I heard her whisper.

I smiled as I pushed my hands into my pocket. I'd had a conversation with her and I didn't scare her away. I turned around to see if she was still looking but was confused when she wasn't there anymore. I looked farther and saw her kneeling in the grass with her back to me, bending over the bouquet I had left her. I nodded and continued walking. _Maybe, indeed._

* * *

She didn't come to dinner that night. Or the next night for that matter, but she always seemed to be hanging around. I liked how my chest felt when I caught sight of her from afar, like I couldn't quite breathe right until I laid eyes on her, and then all of the air just flooded my lungs. We'd moved from smiles to waves over the course of a week, and I'd gone from a mild distraction to a full blown attraction. I thought about her as I worked and dreamed about her at night. I "had it bad" as my brother so eloquently pointed out to me on many occasions, at least when his wife wasn't around.

Rose made it clear in no uncertain terms that she didn't want me even thinking about Bella. She told the entire family that first night that she knew I'd be nothing but trouble for her this soon after the attack. She insisted that any interest I took in Bella would be tantamount to another attack. At that point, I pushed my chair away from the table and said I was no longer hungry. Rose and I hadn't spoken since.

She acted as though I had come back to Morningside with the intention of laying the first girl I saw. That couldn't have been further from the truth. I didn't understand why Bella affected me the way she did. There was a connection between us that I couldn't explain, but I knew Bella felt it too.

One day as I carried firewood past the tent city, a naked little ball of energy nearly tackled me. Her name was Alice, and when she looked at me, I felt like she knew a multitude of secrets about me.

"Edward Cullen," she said, crossing her arms across her bare chest. "I've been looking for you."

"Umm," I said, my face on fire as I tried to keep looking at her face. "And you are?"

I'd seen plenty of naked people in my time on the farm, but it had been a while, and I wasn't used to interacting with them anymore.

"Sorry. I'm Alice Hale. That over there is my husband, Jasper. Bella lives with us."

I almost dropped the wood I was carrying. The last name I expected to hear roll off her lips was Bella's, but she certainly got my attention. I found it easier to ignore the naked breasts now too now that my mind was focused on Bella again.

"So, umm, Bella? Is that why you were looking for me?" I asked, shaking my hair out of my eyes.

Alice smirked.

"Mmm-hmm," she hummed. "You know she was living with Rose and Em?"

"I – didn't know where she lived."

"Well, she _used_ to live with Rose, but your bouquet caused a problem. Bella chose to move back with Jas and me after they argued about the flowers. You mean a lot to her."

I started walking again and Alice followed.

"She's barely spoken to me," I commented.

"She still has the bouquet," Alice countered.

"That's good?" I asked.

"That's very good."

I smiled at her.

"Why are you telling me this?"

"Because I like the way you look at her," she said. "And I like the way she looks at you … when she lets herself look. I _really_ like the way she looks at those flowers."

"Okay … and you like playing matchmaker?"

"No, I want my friend to be happy. Look, she's been hurt and angry for so long that I don't think she even remembers what happy feels like."

"I thought the attack –"

"This didn't start with the attack," she said with a frown. "There's a lot more to Bella then what Riley did to her, but even I don't know everything. Do you want to make her happy?"

"Yeah … I really do."

"Then you're going to have to figure that out. Just … don't give up, ok? I think you're the key, and I'm not usually wrong about these things."

She winked, turned and walked away, leaving me standing there baffled. I saw a bare-chested man with soft leather pants watching me with an amused grin on his face. I guessed correctly that this was Jasper.

"She's right, you know?" he asked as he held out his hand in greeting. "She's not usually wrong about these things."

"Let's hope so," I murmured as I shook his hand.

I headed back to pick up more wood, confusion and now hope clouding my mind.

* * *

It wasn't until the end of my first week back that I had a chance to go back to my special part of the orchard. I liked it because it was quiet and no one else went there. From the look of things, even Em had abandoned this place a long time ago. That was fine by me. I came here to think and didn't really want to be interrupted.

I'd shed my shirt earlier in the day while I was working and didn't bother finding one before I slipped away. I lay down in the grass near where I had left Bella's bouquet a week ago and looked up at the clear blue sky. I estimated I had about an hour and half before people would start preparing for the bonfire. Tonight Dad would bring out the metaphorical fatted calf and welcome me home.

I laced my fingers behind my head and snorted. It was going to be an interesting night. I still felt like a stranger here for the most part, a feeling not helped by the tension that existed concerning Bella. People on the farm talked, a lot. What else was there for them to do? They worked, and while they worked, they talked. Right now, I was the most interesting gossip.

I didn't care, really. I was used to being talked about. I was born on Morningstar Farm, but my name wasn't always Edward Cullen. One of the many runaways that found their way to Morningside showed up one day on Mom's doorstep hugely pregnant. She told a sad story about how her boyfriend knocked her up, and then left her all alone. Mom took her in, fed her, shared old maternity clothes with her, and generally welcomed her into her home.

That runaway was my mother, and the minute she could get up after giving birth, the first thing she did was run away from me.

For a while, Mom said they didn't know what to call me. She knew my mother's name, Elizabeth Masen, but she didn't know what she had wanted to call me. After a few weeks, Mom realized Elizabeth wasn't coming back, so she just took over. One of the good things about being on the farm was that they didn't have to go through all of the paperwork the state would have forced on them. I was a Cullen before I could speak, but the people on the farm always knew.

And they talked.

It bothered me when I was a little kid until Mom and Dad took me aside and explained things to me.

"_You're our gift, Edward," Mom had said. "We didn't ask for you, and I didn't give birth to you, but we __**wanted**__ you desperately. And in our hearts, there's no difference between you and Em. You're both our children."_

I watched them over the weeks that followed their talk. It was true what they said. Em and I had to follow the same rules, we had the same chores, and we got an equal amount of their attention. I started to accept the fact that _something_ had brought my birth mother to Morningside instead of one of the other communes. Something had brought her to Esme. And I never questioned it again. Esme and Carlisle were Mom and Dad. Period.

The talk that was circulating around me now was different. Everyone saw the way I looked at Bella and the way Rose watched me. They guessed. They pondered. And I constantly wondered what Bella was thinking about everything. I'd heard them all talking about how I'd left the farm with my old girlfriend, and I wondered mostly what she thought about _that_. Would she think I was just another player come to use her? I couldn't bear the thought, but I also couldn't ask her.

"You haven't been back for a while."

Her voice startled me so badly that I sat bolt upright and yelped. It was Bella. I looked around wildly for a second before I saw her. She was kneeling about ten feet away from me, her hands swaying in the grass.

"I've been busy," I said, moving slowly into a more natural sitting position. "Have you been back often?"

"Every day," she whispered.

Her eyes darted up to mine, and she smiled hesitantly.

"Rose doesn't know," she said as she picked a white daisy.

"Rose is important to you," I said.

It wasn't a question, but she nodded anyway.

"Rose is special," she said. "She was there for me when no one knew what else to do."

I didn't know what to say to her. My heart was racing in my chest, and I wondered if she could see it pounding. I suddenly felt exposed without my shirt and hoped that I wasn't making her uncomfortable.

"So," I said and ran my hand through my hair distractedly.

She giggled and then covered her mouth in surprise. Her wide eyes told me that it had been a while since she had slipped and laughed. She'd surprised herself.

"Why did you come back every day?" I asked nervously.

"I don't know," she admitted.

There were scores of daisies around her, and she started picking random ones up and lacing them together.

"Why are you here now?" I asked.

My voice was low and raw, full of the anticipation I was feeling. She shrugged her shoulders delicately and blushed.

"I guess it has something to do with you," she said.

I took a deep breath and let it out shakily.

"Are you okay with that?" I asked.

"Definitely not," she whispered. "But I don't seem to have much choice in the matter."

"What do you mean?"

"I can't seem to stop myself from coming here," she said as she threaded daisies together. "When I do, I'm equal parts hopeful and scared that you'll be here. When I came today and saw you here … well, I couldn't seem to make myself walk away like I should."

I leaned my elbows on my knees and rested my chin on my knuckles, drinking her in. I hadn't been able to look at her like this … ever. She was sitting in front of me, no one was around to disapprove, and she wasn't running away. I felt like I'd stepped into a little part of heaven.

"Why should you walk away?" I asked.

I knew I was toeing a line with all of my questions, but I just wanted to know this girl. I wanted to skip over all of the formalities and make her trust me. But she was even more direct than I was.

"Because you're dangerous," she said simply.

"Dangerous?" I asked. "How so?"

I tried to stay very still while I stared at her, not wanting to frighten her with any sudden movements. She mostly watched the ends of the daisy stems disappearing as she laced them together into a chain.

"Because I can't forget you," she said. "I keep _thinking_ about you. I don't like it."

She shook her head as though to dispel an unwanted thought and then looked back at me. Waiting.

"I have a similar problem," I whispered.

She cocked her head to the side in curiosity, her fingers still moving in and out with the daisies.

"You worked yourself in here," I said, pointing to my temple, "and I can't get you out."

"Huh," she said and smiled. "That makes me happy … but it means more danger."

She frowned at her own admission, and I began thinking of ways to make her stay. I sensed that she was getting ready to run away ,and I wanted to stop her before made her first move.

"I'm full of it," I said chuckling and spreading my hands in front of me.

She seemed to relax slightly when I spoke to her, and I smiled knowing that I had affected her in some way. We sat staring at each other for several more minutes as she finished the chain she was making. It was small; it wouldn't fit over her head to go around her neck. I wondered what it was for.

"I just … want to try something," she said. "Stay still."

I didn't even nod. I sat with my chin in my hands as my breathing increased and watched her. She placed the daisies on her head like a crown and got down on her hands and knees. She was inching toward me, her dark eyes never leaving me as she waited to see if I would follow her instructions. My heart was racing watching her. The tall grasses brushed against her shoulders and breasts as she crawled toward me. More than anything, I wanted her to come to my lap and curl herself into my arms. I wanted to rock her gently and feel all of her fears dissipate. But I would content myself with her simply coming closer.

She stopped about two feet away and leaned back on her knees. The sun was almost directly behind her now, and she looked like a bronze shadow in front of me, the red highlights in her hair on fire. I let out a shaky breath and shook my head.

"You're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen," I said.

She sat and looked at me for a while.

"I was going to say the same to you," she whispered.

I was a little uncomfortable with the silence. I wondered if she wanted me to make conversation, but she seemed content just sitting close. It was nice to finally be able to look at her. I noticed the way her eyes were slightly angled, almost catlike. I saw the waves in her hair, rippling beside her face. I wanted to feel her hair, bury my nose in it, and know what she smelled like. But instead, I memorized her face so that tonight when I dreamed of her, she would seem more real.

"You must think I'm crazy," she whispered and looked down, "coming out here and then having nothing to say."

"Of course I don't think you're crazy," I said. "I'm just glad you're here."

"You are?"

"Bella, I think you're pretty amazing," I said. "I'll take your company any way I can get it."

She smiled and began playing with the end of her hair.

"It's driving me crazy, you know?"

I leaned forward slightly and she noticed. She froze slightly, seemed to consider backing away, and then stayed still.

"What's driving you crazy?"

"I want to be close to you," she said. "But I'm afraid if I rush it, I'll never get past this fear."

If she was a normal, undamaged girl, I would have closed the distance between us, cupped her face with my hands, and kissed her. But Bella wasn't normal, and she was far from undamaged, so I stayed still.

"I'm not going anywhere," I said. "I want to be close to you as well, and I'll wait as long as I have to."

"You know that makes it harder, don't you?" she asked with a smile.

I smiled back at her.

"I didn't say I'd make it _easy_ to stay away from me," I teased.

She giggled again, this time it sounded more natural, and I had to laugh with her. It seemed like it would be so easy to reach over and take her hand, finally feel her fingers wrap around mine. I knew if I did that, she'd run for sure. And I wasn't certain she'd come back.

I heard footsteps; someone was coming. My body tensed as I looked behind her, wondering who would be coming here.

"We're about to have company," I said.

Bella reacted immediately, her breathing picking up and spinning around to see who was coming up behind her. I stood and came around in front of her, staying far enough away from her that she wouldn't think I was threatening her.

"It's okay," I whispered as I stood in front of her. "You're not alone."

She didn't respond but I heard her sigh. In front of me, I saw two figures approaching, and I heard my brother's deep voice drifting toward me. This was going to be difficult. Rose was on her way.

"What're you doing?" Rose cried when she approached us, her eyes darting between Bella and me.

"We were talking before you startled us," I said evenly.

"You shouldn't be out here with her," Rose replied. "Come on, Bella."

"I'm fine, Rose," she said. "Edward was here first. I found him."

Rose's lips disappeared in a straight line of anger.

"I told you, babe," Em said. "Edward would _never_ hurt her."

"I didn't say he would," she said angrily. "But he shouldn't be pushing her either."

"No one's pushing me," Bella said softly.

My skin broke out into goose bumps before I even realized she was touching me. Her one hand was resting on my bare shoulder, and her other hand was wrapped loosely around the inside of my elbow. I felt my body flush at her touch; my skin must have felt as if it was on fire to her, but she didn't pull away. I tried hard to regulate my breathing, but it was difficult. My instinct was to turn around and look in her eyes so I could see what touching me did to her. But I stayed still.

Rose turned around quickly and began walking away. Em looked at me, his eyes moving between Bella and me in a question. I knew that Bella meant a great deal to Emmett; he talked about her like a little sister who needed protecting. Brother or no, he'd take me out if he thought I was being a dick to her. And I was grateful for that.

"I better go see about Rose," Bella said. "I … I'm sorry, Edward."

My body immediately missed her touch as she pulled her hands away. I watched her run toward Rose and link arms with her. I wondered what she would say, what Rose would ask. I wondered how she would explain our relationship if you could even call it that.

"What's goin' on here, bro?" Em asked when she was gone.

"I wish I knew, Em," I said. "She found me and I just … tried to keep up."

* * *

The bonfire was like stepping back in time for me. Dad was hauling barrels of his cider down when Em and I walked back, and we each grabbed one and walked with him, laughing at how "frail" the old man was getting. Dad punched Em in the shoulder, and Em pretended to fall over. It was all so familiar, so exactly what I had been missing. I couldn't believe I had lasted so long away from this place.

Once the fire was lit and everyone had had their fill of food, we all sat around the fire and talked. I was distracted though; I kept hoping to see Bella settle herself around the fire. Sometime well after dark, Dad hung my guitar in front of me and just smiled. I took it to the sound of applause around the circle and began strumming softly.

Music had always been an escape for me. It made me happy when nothing else could, and it was the only thing that I refused to give up when I moved to New York. I couldn't give it up even though I knew Tanya looked down on it. She said it would be better if I played piano or something more refined. Guitar, to her, represented the less cultured side of me. That was probably why I refused to give it up, actually.

I felt Bella's presence before I saw her. She was on the outskirts of the circle around the fire, but she pulled my gaze over to her like a magnet. She smiled when she saw me looking at her still strumming and humming softly. The fire softened the edges of my vision so she seemed to exist in a cloud of heat. As I continued to stare at her, the chords began to modulate until I was playing the slow beginning of "Can't Help Fallin' in Love with You." Elvis had made this song famous earlier in the year, and it seemed an appropriate way to answer Bella's fears from earlier.

_Wise men say only fools rush in / but I can't help falling in love with you_.

I kept my voice soft hoping to draw her closer, and it worked. She found her way over to where Alice and Jasper stood, just across the fire from me. Her one arm was wrapped around her middle, and her other hand was covering her mouth. I could just barely see the edges of her lips lifted in a smile. Alice wrapped her arms around Bella's middle and leaned against her shoulder while they listened to the song.

_Shall I stay, would it be a sin / If I can't help falling in love with you?_

There wasn't anyone there except for Bella and I, at least, not anyone who mattered to me. I sang for her, and I hoped that she would see through my song to my heart.

_Like a river flows, surely to the sea / Darling, so it goes … some things are meant to be / Take my hand, take my whole life too / For I can't help falling in love with you._

I didn't know what the reaction of the crowd was. All I focused on was the single tear that slipped down Bella's cheek. My fingers froze on the strings of the guitar as I watched to see what would happen. _Would she run to me or away from me?_

She did neither. She slowly sat down across from me with her chin in her hand and waited for me to continue. She wanted me to play for her, and as long as she would stay, I would play all night.

* * *

**_A/N: Enter Edward. I've never had a chapter basically write itself like this one did. Edward's voice in this story is so damn strong, I felt like someone was just telling me this story and I was just writing it down. I hope you enjoyed his view on things. This story started out as a one or two chapter short. It morphed into a five or six chapter novella. Now, the arc has changed again, and I'm figuring on 10 - 12 chapters. I hope you don't mind spending more time with EasyRiderWard. ;) Leave him some love and let him know you care. *mwah* ~Jen_**


	5. Happy Together

**_Disclaimer:_**_ SM owns them and me. I own some of 45's that hubby and I like to dance to in the candlelight..._

* * *

**Bella POV**

Edward was so fucking beautiful in the firelight. Seeing him there, his messy bronze hair like liquid flames falling into his eyes, I could almost convince myself that he wasn't real. He was a dream – a beautiful dream of perfection sent to torture me with possibilities. His long fingers danced on the strings, pulling the notes from the guitar and writing his song on my heart. I knew instinctively that those large hands were gentle and that his fingers would feel like satin on my skin. I shivered at the thought and almost gave into the urge to lay my head on his knee as he continued to play for me.

Almost.

Instead, I allowed myself to get as close as my fears would let me. I got close enough so that I could hear the whisper of his skin as his fingers moved along the strings. His green eyes lit with hope when I kneeled down in front of him. Some men might have stopped and closed the distance, but not Edward. His lips curled up in a smile around the words he continued to sing; I could hear the smile in his voice.

I wanted to look away. Being this close to him was uncomfortable for me, and I wanted to retreat from the intimacy by looking down. I couldn't. His eyes held mine with such intensity, such pull that I couldn't possibly look anywhere but directly at him. He sang song after song as though he was pulling all of the fears from my mind and telling me everything was going to be fine.

I wanted to believe him. _God_. There was nothing I wanted more than to crawl over into Edward's strong arms and let him sing me to sleep. I somehow knew that if he was holding me, the nightmares where Riley was still hurting me would just disappear. Nothing would be left but this beautiful man and the peace that his voice brought me.

The fear was like a vice holding me in place though. I didn't know exactly what I was afraid of. Certainly, I didn't believe that Edward would hurt me. He'd come into my life like a gentle breeze carrying sunshine and laughter, things that had been missing from my life for so long. Even though he scared me, I found myself drawn to him. Just being close to him seemed to warm me from the inside, as though something that had been missing inside of me was slowly growing back just by being near him.

People were getting up and leaving the bonfire, but still Edward played. I knew that no one was really listening to him anymore, despite how lovely his voice was. They knew, as I did, that this was a private show. As he finished "Unchained Melody," he paused, and I smiled at him. We were almost completely alone, and yet I felt no fear strangling my heart. I felt … normal; if someone like me could even be considered normal.

"You play beautifully," I said inanely.

"Thank you," he replied, a faint blush creeping up his cheeks. "I'm glad you liked it."

I chuckled and nodded.

"Yes. I liked it a great deal, Edward."

He stared at me for a long time before he spoke again.

"Bella, I like you a lot," he said, putting the guitar down beside him and placing his elbows on his knees. "But I gotta tell you, I don't know what comes next. I don't want to screw this up, so you're going to have to let me know what you want."

I closed my eyes and breathed in and out deeply, searching for answers that were just out of my reach. When I opened my eyes, Edward was still watching me. He didn't look put out that I was sitting in front of him doing deep breathing exercises. He looked hopeful.

"I don't know what comes next either, Edward," I whispered. "I wish I did because all I want is to be normal … with you." Coaxing the words out of my throat was difficult, but my heart felt lighter once the words were spoken. "I just don't know what normal is anymore. Can you understand that?"

It was Edward's turn to close his eyes. I missed the brilliant gold-green of them as soon as his eyelids shut, but the smile that spread across his face nearly made up for it. His smile relaxed his whole body.

"You have no idea how much I understand, baby," he said.

I'd never liked nicknames before. Guys would use them to get into your pants or make you forget that they _had_ gotten into your pants and then didn't want you anymore. But with Edward, the name was just there. It didn't feel forced or foreign. It was a pet name, something special just for me from him. I found I liked it very much.

"I feel like you know everything about me, but I know almost nothing about you," I said finally.

"My life is an open book," he said with a smile. "All you need to do is ask."

I nodded and looked around; no one was in sight. I knew that Alice and Jasper were around, but I couldn't see them. Alice told me she wouldn't leave, and I knew her well enough to know that she would be true to her word. I'd have to ask her to leave. Still, I felt as though Edward and I were alone. I thought back to the afternoon when without thinking about it, I had touched his arm. My fingers still burned from touching his skin. I wanted to touch him again, but I didn't know how to approach him.

"You must be getting tired," I said with a sigh.

"As long as you're here, I'm not going anywhere," he replied evenly.

I smiled. "Good. I wouldn't want you to leave me."

"Not likely, baby."

And there was the nickname again. It settled perfectly around me, and I found I wanted to hear him say it again. And again. And again. Yes. Edward Cullen was terribly dangerous.

"Edward, this afternoon …"

He leaned forward, his eyes on fire in the darkness, and I knew he was thinking about me touching him as well. He mastered whatever impulse had made him move forward and sat back again. In response, I leaned toward him. We were like magnets, moving with each other. He chuckled.

"Yes," he breathed. "What about this afternoon?"

"I touched you," I whispered.

As I spoke, I began to walk on my knees closer to him. I could see the muscles in his shoulders tense as I inched closer to him.

"You did." His voice was tight, full of desire, and his eyes echoed the tone of his voice.

I knew then that he wanted me to touch him again. I waited for the fear to come, knowing that it would because surely this was frightening. I moved closer and closer to him, but still there was no fear, only the peace I felt when he sang to me.

"I want to touch you again," I whispered.

Inches. That's all that was left between us. I could hear him breathing. I could feel the electricity of the air around him.

"Please."

His voice was little more than a sigh. It tugged at my heart and pulled me the rest of the way over to him until I was kneeling with my knees touching his legs. The only sounds around us were the crackling of the fire and our rushed, heavy breathing. My hands felt heavy, like lead, as I lifted them up. I knew what I wanted to do; I'd been thinking about it from the moment he rode up his parents' driveway. I wanted to feel his hair.

I kept waiting, expecting the fear to grab hold and send me spiraling out of control. It never came. His eyes had closed while my hands moved, and as my fingers brushed his hair, his eyes squeezed even tighter. A sound of strangled desire escaped his throat, and I saw his hands balling into fists in his lap.

"Am I hurting you?" I gasped, trying to regulate my breathing as my fingers glided through the soft strands of his hair.

"Jesus, no!" he cried.

He opened his eyes. My face was so close to his that I could feel his breath on my skin. It pebbled in goose bumps every time he exhaled. I wanted to feel him reach out to me, but his hands remained balled in his lap, clenching and unclenching as my fingertips found the soft skin of his scalp.

"I think – I want you to touch me," I whispered.

His eyes locked with mine as his breathing increased. He was moving so slowly that I could barely see his progress. His fingers brushed the underside of my arm, making me gasp with his heat. I was right; his fingers were satin covered fire on my skin. Slowly, his fingers inched toward my shoulders where he began moving down my back. There was slight pressure on my shoulders, as if I needed an excuse, and suddenly I was moving closer to him. My body seemed to know what it wanted, and I had long since realized that the fear wasn't going to come tonight.

My fingers crept through his hair until they were locked around his neck. His hands moved me gently, purposefully, until I was sitting in his lap. We shifted and moved until he was cradling me in his arms and my head was resting over his heart. I could hear it fluttering under the soft cotton of his shirt, and I smiled, listening to the music it made.

I could hear him breathing, feel his chest rising and falling underneath my cheek. My breathing naturally fluctuated to match his, and as we breathed together, we began to move together. Gently. His fingers stroking my arm and then my thigh. My fingertips tracing the line of his jaw, the curve of his chest. At some point, he started humming, and I could feel my eyes growing heavy.

"I love the sound of your voice," I murmured, playing with the edges of his shirt.

"I would sing to you all night if you asked me to."

His lips brushed against my hair as he spoke, and his warm breath sent chills down my spine. He felt my shiver and held me closer. I sighed, burrowing closer to him.

"I'm afraid I will fall asleep if you keep it up," I said, laughing.

"Bella, that was the single most erotic experience of my life. Letting you sleep in my lap seems a perfect way to end the evening."

I giggled and clutched his shirt in my fingers. I was surrounded in his scent, warm and masculine, but subtle. There was nothing overpowering about this man. Everything about him was gentle and calming to my senses.

"You have no idea how enticing that is," I whispered almost to myself.

His nose pressed gently against my head as he began to rock us back and forth.

"You have no idea how much I want to hold you like this … safe … all night long. But, Bella, you aren't ready for that … are you?"

"No, Edward, I'm not ready for that … as much as I want to be. Just … hold me a little longer?"

"As long as you want, baby," he whispered.

My heavy head rested on his chest while he held me and hummed beautiful melodies. I knew I should have moved. I felt my eyelids growing heavier, and his arms were just so perfect.

"You are like a dream," I murmured sleepily against his shirt.

"Not a dream, baby," he said, his voice rising and falling in his song, "Dreams disappear, and I'm not going anywhere."

* * *

I woke up the next morning with sun streaming into my eyes. I was wrapped in Edward's clean, familiar smell, and I smiled to myself, thinking that I was still in his arms. Before I opened my eyes, I burrowed deeper into the warmth, surprised that it gave against the pressure; I expected the firm feeling of his muscles. When I opened my eyes, I saw that I was in my own bed, wrapped in my own covers, in Alice and Jasper's hut. I was alone.

I was reluctant to move, afraid that I might dislodge the scent of him that still clung to me. Only after several minutes of laying there fighting the loneliness that surrounded me when I realized he wasn't there did I realize why I could still smell him. His shirt was still clutched firmly in my hand.

"You wouldn't let go of it," Alice said softly from across the room.

"Shit!" I gasped. "Alice, you scared me. What time is it?"

"Just after eight," she said. "I've been waiting forever for you to wake up."

"Why are you here? Why didn't you wake me?"

I was already beginning to move, getting ready to get up when Alice breezed over to the bed and sat down next to me.

"It's Saturday and it's past picking time. We don't work on the weekends at this time of year."

"Oh," I said. "So … why were you waiting for me?"

"Big night last night," she said with a sly smile.

I blushed deeply and sat up in the bed, still holding on to Edward's shirt.

"Please tell me I didn't embarrass myself," I whispered, unconsciously bringing his shirt up to my chest and holding it tighter.

"You mean other than taking the man's shirt? No. Nothing embarrassing."

I fell forward and buried my face in Edward's shirt. It was entirely the wrong thing to do in order to settle myself down. His smell surrounded me, and I remembered every moment of him holding me the night before. I looked up at Alice who was still smirking at me from the side of the bed.

"What did he say?" I squeaked.

"Not much," she said softly. "He carried you back after you fell asleep and sat watching you sleep for a little bit."

"Oh, God, Alice please tell me that I didn't say anything embarrassing."

"Of course not!" she exclaimed. "You weren't having any nightmares last night. I think you were dreaming of him."

My face blanched.

"I said his name?" I cried.

"Several times," she replied matter-of-factly. "Oh, Bella, stop being ridiculous. You should have seen his face when you did. It was like watching a man fall in love."

Her voice was soft and reverent.

"Really?" I asked.

"Really. Bella, you did nothing wrong last night. Did it feel wrong?"

"Nothing has ever felt so right. He didn't mind that I took his shirt?"

Alice laughed and patted my arm.

"I think he was glad to leave something of himself here," she said. "He asked me to give you this when you woke up."

She held up a folded piece of paper. I looked in her eyes and she smiled at me. My heart skipped a beat, and then I grabbed it out of her hand. My name was written in careful letters on the front, and I let my fingers trail over the word, knowing that he had written it. After a moment, I opened it.

_Dear Bella,_

_I hope you understand why I left last night. It wasn't easy, but I thought it might be better for you if you woke up in your own bed. Maybe it'll help you to know that I'm a man of my word. If you're up to it, I'd like to take you somewhere tomorrow … well, today. Meet me at lunchtime at our spot. Bring a hat._

_Yours,_

_Edward_

I read it over and over, savoring his words. "A man of my word," he'd called himself. "Yours," he'd said. I found myself wanting that very much.

"So are you going to go?" Alice asked.

When I looked over, she was bouncing on the edge of the bed.

"You read my love note?" I asked her in mock accusation.

"Please, like I'd need to. I read your face. Obviously he wants to see you today."

I smiled and nodded.

"Yeah, Alice. I'm most definitely going."

She clapped her hands and smiled widely.

"This is the right thing, Bella. I can just feel it."

"And you aren't usually wrong about these things, right, Alice?"

She touched my face gently and sadness crossed her face.

"Not usually, sweetheart. I can feel it in my gut that he'll change your world around."

"Me too," I whispered. "Me too, Alice."

* * *

If I had been lucky enough to have a sister, I would have liked Alice to be the one. She was a force of nature when she set her mind to something, but I never felt bowled over by her energy. I felt taken care of. I felt loved. While I took care of all my morning necessities, Alice set about finding clothes for me to wear. She put out a pair of cut off jeans and a breezy white shirt with flower embellishments. The day was fairly warm for the fall, even in Sonoma, with the temperatures already reaching 75̊ before lunchtime. I knew I'd be comfortable, and I was grateful to Alice for being such a good friend.

"Now I just need a hat," I said.

"Here," Alice said, turning around and grabbing a wide brimmed cowboy-type hat from the wall. "This'll work."

I scrunched up my nose at the hat when she handed it to me.

"Are you sure I won't look like an idiot in this thing?" I asked.

"Don't you know enough to trust me by now, Bella?"

"Alice, you do go around naked most of the time," I reminded her.

"And I haven't made you do that yet, have I? Trust me. You're going to completely wow him."

I rolled my eyes and put the hat on, assessing myself in the mirror. I didn't look bad. I'd shaved, despite Alice's entreaties that it was a completely unnecessary subjugation of the female population by arrogant males. It felt fucking fantastic to have smooth legs and arm pits again. Subjugation or not, _I _liked it. And when I'd told Alice that, she shut up about it. I guess as long as she was convinced I was doing it for me, she wouldn't complain. My legs looked good in the short shorts, and the white shirt looked good in contrast with my long, dark hair. Alice had done well.

At eleven thirty I set out for the spot behind the orchard with Edward's shirt in my hands and butterflies tickling my stomach. I was excited to see him again in the daylight, touch him again, and make sure he hadn't disappeared. As I made my way up the hill toward the big house, I saw a familiar figure walking toward me. Rose.

"Hey, Bella," she called, smiling when she saw me.

"Hey, Rose," I said.

I hugged her tightly when I got close to her.

"I'm glad I found you. I was hoping we could have lunch today. I … wanted to talk to you."

"Oh," I said, looking down. "You see … I'd like to. But, I have plans."

Rose's lips tightened, but then she smiled.

"Anything special?"

"Yeah," I whispered. "I'm meeting Edward."

She sighed when I looked down and wouldn't meet her eyes again. I felt her hands on my shoulders.

"That's why I wanted to talk to you," she was saying, but I shook my head.

"You don't understand, Rose. He isn't like Riley. I just … I know it. He's special."

"Yeah, I know," she said, smiling at me when I looked up. "I wanted to apologize, Bella. I know I was overprotective. It's just … I didn't want to see you get hurt. I saw the two of you last night, and I get it now. He's your Em."

"Yeah. I think he is."

She pulled me close for another hug.

"Go meet your boy," she said. "But maybe meet for lunch tomorrow?"

"It's a date," I said, squeezing her tight.

I walked away from her feeling glad that she had seen what Alice had seen in Edward. Rose's acceptance meant so much to me; I wanted her to be happy almost as much as I wanted to be happy. I didn't want her to be disappointed in me or think that I was rushing into something reckless again. This just felt _different_ than before. This felt real.

Edward was waiting for me under his tree, a cowboy hat almost identical to mine on his head. He was sitting in the long grass, his long legs crossed as he leaned against the tree. He was wearing a dark tee shirt and faded jeans. He almost took my breath away sitting there. I paused to watch him for a moment, his hat drawn down low enough that I thought he couldn't see me. He was waiting for _me_. I smiled at my good luck and started walking faster to get to him.

"Boo," I whispered, kneeling down in the grass by his side and touching his arm lightly.

"I saw you when you crested the hill, Bella," he said, tipping his hat up and smiling brightly at me. "What were you thinking about?"

I blushed brilliantly at the thought that he saw me looking at him, but then I just shrugged.

"You," I said, handing him his shirt.

"Well that's okay then," he said. "Keep it."

He pushed the shirt back at me.

"I kind of like you having it," he admitted with a shy grin.

"I kind of like having it," I said and held it close. "So … where are you taking me?"

"Well, first we're having lunch. And then I'm taking you to my favorite place."

"Sounds fascinating. Where is this favorite place?"

"Can't tell you. It's secret. I've never taken anyone there before."

"Never?" I asked coyly.

"Nope," he said, winking at me. "You'll be the first."

I nodded and eyed his picnic basket.

"You like PB&J, right?" he asked, motioning to the basket. "It's quick and easy. I kind of want to get on our way."

We ate lunch quickly, sitting close together so that our knees touched. I could feel the electric current running between us every time my skin brushed his denim. So many times, I wanted to reach over and stroke his knee or grab his hand, but timidity stopped me. In the daylight, I was shy about touching him. And when he didn't immediately reach out to me, I held back, unsure of how to proceed.

After we finished, Edward gathered everything back into the picnic basket and left it under the tree. I folded his shirt and left it with the basket.

"Alright," he said with a smile, "are you going to want this one as well?"

I chuckled and blushed, my insecurities rising up to the surface again. In an instant his warm arms surrounded me, and I felt myself swimming in that peace I'd found in his arms last night.

"God, I'm stupid," he whispered, his breath tickling my ear. "I didn't mean to make you feel bad, baby. I'd give you every shirt I owned if it would make you happy."

As he spoke, his arms wound around me and his fingers brushed back and forth against the small of my back. Tiny sparks of desire started to build in my stomach as he made spirals on my back. I ran my fingers up and over the ridges of stomach, up past the lines of his chest until my hands were around his neck. I found the soft hairs just above his collar line, and I stroked them tenderly as though reacquainted myself with their feel.

"You make me happy," I murmured, looking up at him.

He smiled and his eyes crinkled up into perfect triangles. His tongue darted out and licked his lips, and I felt a pang of want deep within me. I had promised myself I would go slowly, carefully, so I didn't find myself spiraling over the edge of fear. But the only thing I could think about was how perfect and pink his tongue one against his lips and how much I wanted to taste him.

He leaned forward slightly, and I closed my eyes, my heart stuttering in anticipation of his lips on mine. My lips parted, but I didn't feel the warmth of his mouth on mine. Instead, an explosion of electricity erupted on my forehead. I could feel his soft lips moving against my skin as he pressed his mouth against me. My fingers tightened around his neck, and I breathed in deeply. To hell with going slowly. I'd be lucky to make it out of this meadow with my clothes on.

"Not here," he said, his lips brushing against my skin and sending shockwaves of pleasure through my body. "I'm going to kiss you after I show you my secret place."

There was nothing overtly sexual about what he had said, but his words made me moan. I pressed myself against him, holding him close for a moment before letting him go. When I looked back up at him, his eyes mirrored what mine probably looked like: hooded, black discs of desire glowing in the midday sun.

"Let's get walking then," I said shakily.

I ran my fingers down his arms, watching in amazement as my caress made the gold-red hairs on his forearms stand up. When I reached his palms, I traced the lines there and then laced our fingers together. I smiled up at him.

"You want to hold my hand," he said.

It wasn't a question; he knew how much I wanted to touch him, to keep this amazing connection I felt every time our skin met. It made me happy that he understood me. I nodded to him and released one of his hands.

"Come on," he said. "It's a bit of a hike."

Edward was in amazing shape, even though he hadn't been on the farm in years. He had a body that had been forged on the farm, and he hadn't let it go in his years away. Before he had even broken out into a sweat, I was winded.

"Do I need to carry you again?" he teased.

I squinted my eyes at him in mock anger, and he immediately began to back-pedal. He thought I was actually angry with him.

"Edward, you need to knock that shit off," I said, shaking my head.

He looked taken aback. I took of my hat and twisted my long hair up and off my neck cooling myself before I continued.

"Look, I love that you're trying to take care of me, but I hate that you think I'm going to fall apart at the first misstep you take. My insecurities are there, but I _like_ when you tease me. It makes me feel … normal again."

I was still out of breath and leaning against a tree. We'd only hiked about a mile, but I didn't think either of us were in a rush. We had the whole day to spend figuring each other out. _This_ was something I wanted him to figure out quickly.

"Bella, look … I don't know how to do this," he admitted, walking over to me.

His hands were outstretched, and mine reached for him without me even thinking about it. We both sighed when our fingers found each other.

"I didn't know if you'd come today," he said softly.

"I never thought about _not_ coming," I said, pulling him closer.

"You need to tell me if I doing the right thing and if I'm heading into dangerous territory, okay?" he asked, leaning his forehead against mine, his green eyes boring into mine. "I'll never forgive myself if I screw this up."

"You're not screwing anything up," I said with a chuckle. "Just … quit thinking I'm going to break down because you rib me a little bit."

"Deal," he said, leaning down and kissing my nose.

"Mmm," I murmured, leaning toward him as he pulled away. "That's _almost_ where I wanted it."

"I told you … after I show you my place."

He tugged on my hand, and we continued walking. He asked me about living with Alice and Jasper and about working on the farm. I asked him about being a lawyer and what he liked to do as a child. We danced around the big issues that sat like white elephants in the middle of our discussion. One of us was bound to trip over them at some point. I was kind of glad that I was the first person to do so; I didn't think Edward would forgive himself if he entered the danger zone first.

"So, what made you leave?" I asked softly.

He sighed, and his hand tightened around mine. I knew then that I'd touched on a nerve, only I didn't know what it was or how painful it would be for him.

"What do you know about me, Bella?" he asked, looking sideways at me.

"I know your name is Edward Cullen," I said with a smile. "I know you're Esme and Carlisle's son and that Esme loves you more than life itself." He chuckled and nodded his head, and I continued. "I know you play a mean guitar and that you make me happier than I've ever been. Other than that … not much, I guess."

"So you don't know about Tanya?" he asked.

_Tanya_. I'd heard her name whispered in my wake ever since Edward arrived, and we started on our inevitable road toward each other. Some people said she was the love of his life who broke his heart. Others said she was a piece of ass who stole him away from the simple life for a taste of the big city. No matter who was speaking, Tanya was never spoken of with kindness.

"I've heard bits and pieces," I admitted. "I kind of wanted to hear it from you."

"That's fair," he said. "I was young, and she told me she loved me. I wanted her in my bed, so I figured that I must love her, too. It wasn't until we got into the real world that I realized there was a lot more to it than just sleeping together."

I winced at the idea of him sleeping with someone else. He hadn't even kissed me yet, but the thought of someone else's mouth close to his, someone else calling his name … it made me sick with jealousy.

"So … you broke up with her?" I asked, my voice fainter than I had intended it to be.

"No, she left me," he said evenly. "I was her ticket out of Sonoma. We coexisted for a long while, but whatever chemistry we might have had died a long time before she actually walked away. It was hard for me to accept it, but Tanya did me a huge favor when she walked away; she gave me my life back."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"I studied law because it was what my big brother did, and I wanted to be like him. I left California because a woman said she loved me and wanted to leave. _This_ is my home, not New York. I belong here."

He squeezed my hand, and I heard the words he didn't say because it was far too soon to say them. _I belong with you_, his heart whispered to mine.

All the jealousy washed away, and I realized he was walking next to me, taking me someplace he had never taken Tanya or any other woman before. I was special. I couldn't remember the last time I had felt special.

"Why did you come here?" he asked gently after we'd walked a bit further.

I closed my eyes for a moment and simply let him lead me, mulling over my answer. There was the easy one: I got bored of Forks and rode my thumb here on a whim. But Edward deserved better than that. And _I_ was better than that now. I knew it was more than that.

"My mom left my dad when I was ten," I said softly. "I should have hated her, but instead, I hated him. I hated that he chose to live in a godforsaken town with boring people where it rained all the time and ruined Renee's parade. It was easier to blame Charlie than it was to blame Renee. As I got older, I felt like my dad's life was tying me tighter and tighter to the place that had choked Renee so bad that she had run away from me and him. I left before I grew roots there. I left him … same as her."

The tears were streaming down my face when I finished speaking and before I knew it, my face was buried in Edward's chest. He was shushing me and telling me not to cry, but even as I continued to snuffle and tell him I was fine, I kept on crying. I finally got myself under control and looked back up at Edward with an embarrassed smile on my face.

"Nothing in my life has ever gone right … except ending up here," I said, my voice raw and scratchy.

"Story of my life, baby," he whispered, making me furrow my brow in confusion.

"We'll talk more about Forks later," he said. "How about I tell you the story of my birthday while we walk the rest of the way? It shouldn't take much longer now."

And that was how I found out that Edward was adopted. It shocked the hell out of me. He even _looked_ a little like Esme, and I told him so. It made him smile like a child when I said it, and it made me happy to have pleased him. We walked in silence for a bit after he finished his tale and in the distance, I began to hear the sound of rushing water.

"What is that?" I asked.

"My secret," he murmured, his lips coming down and playing just behind my ear.

The prickling of desire ran down my neck and pooled in my stomach until I was nearly crazy with the need to pull him close to me and kiss him. I stopped myself, knowing that this was important to him. It made it important to me.

I walked faster to keep up with him, feeling the current of excitement rushing through him. We had been walking on a makeshift path through some overgrown bushes and trees. The rushing sound of the water was getting closer, and I felt my heart beating in anticipation. Would it be a stream? A river?

The trees got thinner and the path became wider. When we broke through the trees, the sun hit us full in the face, reflecting off the brilliant pool of water in front of me. My eyes and ears were at war with each other. The water in front of me was still and serene, rippling occasionally, but nowhere near enough to make the roaring noise that my ears were hearing.

"Look," Edward whispered, his finger directing my eyes upward.

The waterfall was thin and majestic, as though a giant had turned on a faucet and the water was running over these cliffs. The sunlight captured the foamy white spray and set the rainbow on fire, sparkling like jewels in mid air.

My mouth was open in wonder, but I couldn't seem to make any sounds. I felt Edward's arms snaking around my waist, and I leaned back against him, his body hard and warm behind him, grounding me. Feeling him behind me and taking in the beauty in front of me was almost too much for me. I wanted to close my eyes in ecstasy when I felt his hot arousal against my back. But if I closed my eyes, I wouldn't be able to see the rainbows dancing in front of me.

"Do you like it?" he asked, his voice gravelly and low.

I closed my eyes then and leaned back against him more firmly, wiggling my hips against him just enough that I heard him gasp and felt his hands tighten on my hips.

"It's perfect," I whispered.

"Baby, I really wanna kiss you right now," he groaned, his fingers digging into my hips.

It didn't hurt me at all though. The pressure sent fireworks through my veins, and I let him turn me around. My legs were shaky, but he kept his arm firmly around my waist. He was pressing into my stomach now, the heat of him radiating through his jeans. The old me might have run my fingers over his cock, teasing him and playing with him. The old me was gone though, and when Edward's hand reached up and took off my hat, throwing it to the ground, I mirrored his motions and took his hat off as well.

His fingers shook as he brushed my damp hair out of my face and traced the lines of my face, memorizing the curves as he went. He traced the outline of my mouth, and I captured his fingertip between my lips, letting my tongue just graze the tip. His eyes slipped closed as his lips parted slightly, his breath catching in his throat.

"I'm ready, Edward," I whispered, letting his finger go.

His finger traced down my chin and along my neck until his palm rested on my chest and his finger and thumb encircled my neck. I felt completely safe, completely loved. His eyes were open as he moved forward, judging my every reaction to him as he approached me. His lips brushed mine gently once, twice, before he applied the gentlest pressure. It was all the restraint either of us had.

My one hand gripped his hair, and the other wrapped around his back, trying to pull him closer. The hand he held on my back slipped lower onto my ass, and he cupped it roughly, pulling me tightly against him. His other hand slid around my neck and reached my hair, pulling out the knot gently so that my hair spilled over his hand.

His mouth was hot and urgent against mine, his tongue seeking entrance to my mouth. I opened my mouth gladly to him, feeling the current of excitement that coursed through my body when our tongues finally met. We both moaned around each other as our mouths worked together. My lips and tongue felt as though they were on fire, electricity prickling my skin every place Edward and I touched.

His thumb had found its way under my shirt and he was rubbing a soft rhythm against my bare back. My hips began to move with his rhythm, aching to scratch the itch of desire that was building between my legs. I pulled my body up along his, and he guided me until my legs were wrapped around his hips. He grunted as he held me, my center brushing against his arousal.

I felt us moving, and then suddenly my back was pressed lightly against the rough bark of a tree. I arched my back away from him, aching to feel Edward all along the front of my body. He was already leaning toward me, and when my chest met his, I gasped and threw my head back.

"Edward, please," I moaned, my fingers dipping beneath the edge of his shirt collar. "I want it all with you."

He set me gently on the ground, pulling me to him so that our bodies were touching. His hands stroked my back and cupped my ass again, but I knew nothing more would happen today. I could feel it in the way he struggled to settle himself down.

"I want it all with you too, Bella," he whispered hoarsely. "That's why this isn't the right time."

I knew he was right, but I'd never wanted anything more than I did when I felt his arousal pressing into me. My traitor hips bucked against him, and he hissed, bending down and kissing me again. His tongue was soft and slow, and I matched his rhythm with my hands along his back. He shivered and pulled away, leaning his head against my forehead.

"Don't stop," he murmured. "That feels exquisite."

I trailed my fingers over his back, up and down, slowly memorizing all of the hidden lines of his body for the time when they would be exposed to me.

"You know I want you," he said softly, kissing behind my ear and then down my throat.

"Yes," I gasped. "I do."

"I just want to do this right, Bella. And this isn't because of you – this is more about me."

I looked up at him and nodded my understanding.

"The old you?" I asked with a smiled.

He nodded.

"Yeah. I don't want to love you with the old me."

I leaned my head against his chest, his heart still beating a staccato rhythm beneath my ear.

"There's an old me, too," I whispered. "And I don't want her involved in this either."

His arms tightened around me, and his kissed my forehead and hair.

"Doesn't make it any easier though, does it?" he whispered.

I chuckled, the motion sending ripples of desire coursing through me. He groaned and pulled me even tighter.

"No, Edward. Definitely not."

"Come on," he said, pulling away from me. "We have the rest of the day. Let's sit by the water?"

I smiled and took his hand. That day I learned about where he had first learned to climb a tree, how he had gotten most of his scars, and what some of his greatest fears were. In turn, I shared with him stories of my past him, memories of my mom who I kept hoping would come back, and stories about my dad and the man he used to be. Edward was quiet; he never judged. But in his eyes, I knew that my stories brought him sadness. He sensed that there was something missing in me because of my past. And as much as I wanted to believe that he was everything I needed, I knew that like him, I'd have to go back to the beginning to fully heal.

There would be time for that another day, however. That day was only full of Edward. We laughed and kissed and held each other until the sky began to go golden. When it was time to walk back, he carried me piggy-back for some of the way and told me stories of when he and Em were growing up.

"Hey," I said after he put me down just outside of the meadow where we'd had a picnic. "I promised Rose I'd have lunch with her tomorrow, but I was thinking…"

I paused, chewing on my lip … unsure how to proceed."

"Yeah … what were you thinking?"

"Well, maybe the four of us could have dinner tomorrow night. Like, away from the family. I'd really like to see you with your brother, Edward."

He smiled and nodded.

"I think he'd like that too," he said.

The day ended with hope. My body was still amped up from an entire day of being close to Edward's electric pull, but my heart was content and happy. He'd healed me in more ways than he could possibly understand, and he'd opened my eyes to how much still needed to be fixed. I wasn't as frightened anymore about the rest of it, however. His hand in mine told me he would be by my side for the messy work of rebuilding my past.

* * *

**_A/N_**_: Trust me. No one would love them to fall in bed together more than me right now, but both of them are healing and they are trying to do this the right way. Maybe for the first time in their lives, if you know what I mean. Just know that I promised Bookjunkie a fuckhot lemon for this story and I am a woman of my word. You will all get to see *at least* one lemon before this story is over. Probably more because, let's face it, I like to write them. ;) I hope you continue to enjoy. Just so we're clear ... I have no idea if there is a natural waterfall anywhere near the real Morningstar Farm. Edward's secret place exists only in my imagination. Leave me some love because I LOVE hearing your thoughts! Hope everyone who celebrates it had a fantabulous Turkey Day! :) ~Jen_


End file.
